Yesterday, we celebrated Billy's birthday. Originally, he wanted to play golf all day because he could play for free on his birthday. OK. Fine. Whatever. I have to work anyway, and I figured we could do something later in the evening. No big deal. It would allow me plenty of time to get a gift for him, since I have failed to find anything for him (aren't all men hard to shop for?).
He had another idea for the day. He asked if I wanted to go out later and dance! Music to my ears!! As I drove home, excited to spend some quality "date" time with my guy, my phone rings.
Billy: "Hey, how's your day going?"
Me: "It's been a tough afternoon. I'm emotionally spent. How are you?"
Billy: "I'm good! Is it okay if I play golf?"
Me: "Of course! It's your birthday. Do what you would like to do (I'm thinking about the five hours I will have to get a nap, wash my car, and find a gift for him)!"
Billy: "Hey, I want to go to The Cowboy Palace tonight. Is that okay with you?"
Me: What came out of my mouth was, "Sure! Your birthday, you decide." What was going on in my head was, "Ohhhhh Fuuuuuuuuudddddggggggeeeeee!!"
The Cowboy Palace is a great LITTLE honky tonk in the Valley. They have live music every night, lots of energy, and no cover charge. If you've never been there, that was the "bar" in Toby Keith's video "I Love This Bar", and was also featured in an episode of CSI. It's a great place to go when it's not busy. Billy has been there once with me, but I have been there several times. I was a frequent dancer there on Friday nights, during my single days. When it's busy, it's a nightmare. I had to prepare myself for the nightmare!
We take off for the evening. The time I really look forward to, is the time in the car, talking, while we drive to our destination. We have really good conversations when we're in the car. I can't figure out why that is, but it happens every time. I will tell you, that I was not really in the mood to go "dance" in this closet of a place, on a Saturday night. However, Billy was really looking forward to it. Part of his charm, to me, is his excitement over things. The more excited he becomes, the easier it is for me to let go of the preconceived thoughts I have.
We got a few good dances in before the band started, and the place started filling up. Pretty soon though, it was wall to wall people. We rolled with it. We threw out our dancing technique, just bounced around, in place, a lot, and had a fabulous time! We goofed off a lot, and laughed a lot. The band was great! When they played "Stand By Me", he pulled me close, and together, dancing cheek to cheek, I was reminded in that moment, that we have stood by each other over the last several years. He is my best friend. My lover. My partner.
We drove home, his arm around my shoulder, most of the way back. We talked, listened to music, sang off key, and discussed the upcoming concerts we are going to this summer. I realized that sometimes, I just have to "roll with it" and not be so closed off. It was a good reminder, that with my best friend, we have fun anywhere. Like the dancing itself, following his lead, takes a little practice. I'm still learning to relinquish some control, and just follow.
It was an imperfectly, perfect day.
Showing posts with label Finding myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Finding myself. Show all posts
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
When do you "let go"?
I'm a work in progress. There's a constant battle going on inside of myself. Maybe you're going through it as well. I have a hard time identifying when to hold on to something, and when to let it go.
I was reminded of this "problem" this past week, when I went out dancing. I had every intention of unwinding, having a good time, and getting some much needed girlfriend time. About an hour into the evening, the ex-girlfriend of my friend showed up. If you follow my blog, then you know whom I refer. She's the one who called me on my 40th birthday to tell me I could no longer be friends with "her" boyfriend. There are some people that can really push my buttons.
My 18-year-old-self reared her ugly head, and wanted to confront the "troll". I recognized that I was still lit up about the situation. I felt like mouthing "F*&% You" when she looked my way. I wanted to brawl. To feel justice somehow, for being accused of things that really didn't exist, only in her head. I wanted to intimidate her. Instead, my 40-year-old-self took over. This is the conversation that went on inside of myself:
18-year-old-self: "I want to punch her in the face!"
40-year-old-self: "If you do that, then you'll go to jail. Is that what you want for yourself and for your family?"
18-year-old-self: "Damn, you're right. Okay, what if I dump a glass of red wine on her head?"
40-year-old-self: "If you do that, then you'll get kicked out of the bar, and you won't be allowed back in for a long time."
18-year-old-self: "Grrr! Right again! What if I just mouth "F*&! You, so she knows I'm still pissed about how she treated me?"
40-year-old-self: "Really?? Come on, you shouldn't let this bother you. You're an adult now. You think it's fun for her to see you, and know that you know her relationship failed? Have some compassion for goodness sake!"
18-year-old-self: "Let it go?"
40-year-old-self: "Let it go."
Letting go of stuff is hard for me. I'm a fighter. I want to resolve issues, complete the "puzzle" and find peace. It does me absolutely no good to try and hold onto things that I simply cannot change. I have to release it, and know that what I allow into my space, needs to be good for me, positive and worth the fight. Sometimes though, in the case of my mother, I simply cannot break through. That's when letting go, is self preservation.
Is letting go, forgiveness? Perhaps. I view it as accepting the circumstance, moving forward with my life, and I suppose, having compassion for the other person. I don't want to carry the burden, or the weight of the situation anymore.
After dancing for a few hours that night, I didn't do anything. I walked away. When I finished dancing, I hugged my friends goodbye, walked out the door, and headed home to my family, leaving the situation behind me. I thought to myself, "Life will be her teacher, it's not my job to be."
I was reminded of this "problem" this past week, when I went out dancing. I had every intention of unwinding, having a good time, and getting some much needed girlfriend time. About an hour into the evening, the ex-girlfriend of my friend showed up. If you follow my blog, then you know whom I refer. She's the one who called me on my 40th birthday to tell me I could no longer be friends with "her" boyfriend. There are some people that can really push my buttons.
My 18-year-old-self reared her ugly head, and wanted to confront the "troll". I recognized that I was still lit up about the situation. I felt like mouthing "F*&% You" when she looked my way. I wanted to brawl. To feel justice somehow, for being accused of things that really didn't exist, only in her head. I wanted to intimidate her. Instead, my 40-year-old-self took over. This is the conversation that went on inside of myself:
18-year-old-self: "I want to punch her in the face!"
40-year-old-self: "If you do that, then you'll go to jail. Is that what you want for yourself and for your family?"
18-year-old-self: "Damn, you're right. Okay, what if I dump a glass of red wine on her head?"
40-year-old-self: "If you do that, then you'll get kicked out of the bar, and you won't be allowed back in for a long time."
18-year-old-self: "Grrr! Right again! What if I just mouth "F*&! You, so she knows I'm still pissed about how she treated me?"
40-year-old-self: "Really?? Come on, you shouldn't let this bother you. You're an adult now. You think it's fun for her to see you, and know that you know her relationship failed? Have some compassion for goodness sake!"
18-year-old-self: "Let it go?"
40-year-old-self: "Let it go."
Letting go of stuff is hard for me. I'm a fighter. I want to resolve issues, complete the "puzzle" and find peace. It does me absolutely no good to try and hold onto things that I simply cannot change. I have to release it, and know that what I allow into my space, needs to be good for me, positive and worth the fight. Sometimes though, in the case of my mother, I simply cannot break through. That's when letting go, is self preservation.
Is letting go, forgiveness? Perhaps. I view it as accepting the circumstance, moving forward with my life, and I suppose, having compassion for the other person. I don't want to carry the burden, or the weight of the situation anymore.
After dancing for a few hours that night, I didn't do anything. I walked away. When I finished dancing, I hugged my friends goodbye, walked out the door, and headed home to my family, leaving the situation behind me. I thought to myself, "Life will be her teacher, it's not my job to be."
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Give me a break!!
Life around this house, for the past year, has been chaotic, crazy and often times overwhelming. Adjusting to living together, a new baby and blending a family, was a lot harder than you might expect. Lately though (dare I say it?), life has been pretty uneventful, smooth and most times easy going. Have we made it through that transitional time, or have we accepted each other, faults and all?
A few days ago, I recognized that I was bored with my life. I work, I'm with the kids. I work, I'm with the kids. Day after day, week after week. I have one day a week, in the evening, that I get "me" time. Some mothers do not need this time away from their family. They, of course, do not have MY family, and I am not a martyr. I feel there is no shame in saying that I need a weekly break from "these people that reside in my home".
Monday night, as we watched one of the playoff games, I am approached by my lover....
Billy: "Can I ask you for a favor?"
Me: (Knowing I'm about to be worked) "What kind of favor?"
Billy: "Commit to the favor first."
Me: (This must be a whopper!) "I won't commit to anything before knowing the details. What do you want?"
Billy: "JP......."
Me: (As I cut him off, knowing exactly what he wants) "Oh no. No, no, no, no! Billy this will be the fifth week in a row you've taken my ONLY day to myself, to go play golf!"
Billy: "Come on please. It hasn't been five weeks in a row. You're exaggerating!"
I whip out the calender and my phone, to go back to the text message he originally sent to me, pleading for me to give up the first Tuesday, so he could go play golf with his buddy, JP. As I counted he weeks and compared them to the text messages, I was wrong. Yep, W-R-O-N-G, wrong! This would make it SIX consecutive weeks he took my Tuesday. No trade outs, no exchanges. He simply took them. No wonder I was climbing the walls. I needed a huge break from the kids.
I let him go (because I am not evil), with the promise that he would tell JP that he had to pick a new day to golf. There are six other days in the week, that Billy can golf, but Tuesday's are my days. Then I did what any other self respecting woman would do in my situation.....I handed him the baby the very next morning, asked him to watch her while I went to work (he didn't have to go in that day), and then went to dinner with my girlfriend (taking his poker night). I can't tell you how amazing I feel today!
I wouldn't have done that a year ago. We were in transition. Life was harder and I felt I needed to be the one to suck it up. I no longer feel that way. I ask for help when I need it. We have learned to communicate better (always an improving area), respect what the other person needs, and do our best to give, without resentment, to each other. We want each other to be happy, as a couple, as parents and as individuals. That's why I let him go. We both got what we wanted, it just didn't happen the way it was scheduled to.
The kids are getting exactly what they need, as well. Lala is about to graduate from 8th grade next week. Belle is making new friends, and attending a new school in the fall. Pumpkie took her first real steps today, several times. That may worry some of you, thinking my world is about to get a whole lot worse. Don't worry. She's already into everything. Rather than crawling at lightening speed, chasing after me around the house, she now uses a walker (the kid version of an adult walker) and is chasing me with it. However, this new found freedom of hers is quite wonderful. She plays more independently for longer periods of time. Hallelujah!!
It's all good in the hood, over here. Nothing to pressing to report. Life may be a little on the boring side, but it's all good. I've had my share of drama over the last few years, and we are on a well deserved break from it all!!
A few days ago, I recognized that I was bored with my life. I work, I'm with the kids. I work, I'm with the kids. Day after day, week after week. I have one day a week, in the evening, that I get "me" time. Some mothers do not need this time away from their family. They, of course, do not have MY family, and I am not a martyr. I feel there is no shame in saying that I need a weekly break from "these people that reside in my home".
Monday night, as we watched one of the playoff games, I am approached by my lover....
Billy: "Can I ask you for a favor?"
Me: (Knowing I'm about to be worked) "What kind of favor?"
Billy: "Commit to the favor first."
Me: (This must be a whopper!) "I won't commit to anything before knowing the details. What do you want?"
Billy: "JP......."
Me: (As I cut him off, knowing exactly what he wants) "Oh no. No, no, no, no! Billy this will be the fifth week in a row you've taken my ONLY day to myself, to go play golf!"
Billy: "Come on please. It hasn't been five weeks in a row. You're exaggerating!"
I whip out the calender and my phone, to go back to the text message he originally sent to me, pleading for me to give up the first Tuesday, so he could go play golf with his buddy, JP. As I counted he weeks and compared them to the text messages, I was wrong. Yep, W-R-O-N-G, wrong! This would make it SIX consecutive weeks he took my Tuesday. No trade outs, no exchanges. He simply took them. No wonder I was climbing the walls. I needed a huge break from the kids.
I let him go (because I am not evil), with the promise that he would tell JP that he had to pick a new day to golf. There are six other days in the week, that Billy can golf, but Tuesday's are my days. Then I did what any other self respecting woman would do in my situation.....I handed him the baby the very next morning, asked him to watch her while I went to work (he didn't have to go in that day), and then went to dinner with my girlfriend (taking his poker night). I can't tell you how amazing I feel today!
I wouldn't have done that a year ago. We were in transition. Life was harder and I felt I needed to be the one to suck it up. I no longer feel that way. I ask for help when I need it. We have learned to communicate better (always an improving area), respect what the other person needs, and do our best to give, without resentment, to each other. We want each other to be happy, as a couple, as parents and as individuals. That's why I let him go. We both got what we wanted, it just didn't happen the way it was scheduled to.
The kids are getting exactly what they need, as well. Lala is about to graduate from 8th grade next week. Belle is making new friends, and attending a new school in the fall. Pumpkie took her first real steps today, several times. That may worry some of you, thinking my world is about to get a whole lot worse. Don't worry. She's already into everything. Rather than crawling at lightening speed, chasing after me around the house, she now uses a walker (the kid version of an adult walker) and is chasing me with it. However, this new found freedom of hers is quite wonderful. She plays more independently for longer periods of time. Hallelujah!!
It's all good in the hood, over here. Nothing to pressing to report. Life may be a little on the boring side, but it's all good. I've had my share of drama over the last few years, and we are on a well deserved break from it all!!
Monday, April 23, 2012
The Ex-Girlfriend Factor......
Have you ever been in a situation where you begin dating someone, only to learn that his/her ex-partner is still in his/her life? Either they choose to still be friends, or they share children together. How do you handle the situation?
I've been in that situation a few times. It's kind of a tricky situation going into it because you know there was a break-up and they aren't together anymore, but what are the real intentions of the person who is no longer with the person you are dating? You want to be secure in your new relationship, but it can be weird and awkward, sharing your time, or worse, he/she is sharing their time with their ex. What do you do?
I've never been bothered by a boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. In fact, more times than not, I have made a good friend for life. I have come to realize, through my own failed relationships, that you can have a beautiful friendship with someone, and not connect beyond that.
I have been, for the most part, very fortunate to meet and befriend my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends. I do not find it necessary to be catty, rude or insecure. It also helps when the ex-girlfriend really just puts it out there and tells you exactly what her role is, in his life.
I met Kristin, for the first time, over the phone. She wanted to know who was spending time with her daughter and I didn't blame her at all. I remember one of the very first things out of her mouth was, "I just want you to know that I have absolutely no interest in getting back together again with Billy. It is never going to happen." I laugh now, but at the time, I remember thinking, I could really get along with this woman! She's got my "direct approach" style.
We bonded over the "Twilight Series", and have a standing date whenever a new movie comes out. She had my heart, when her love for the "wolf", didn't mix with my love for the "vampire". We go out for birthday's, holiday's and the "just because" days. She is there for me, like nobody can be, because she understands exactly what I go through. She is my sister from another mister, and I love her!
It's not just one sided, either. I am there for her when she needs to talk through something. We have found that we both over analyze certain situations, and she knows she can count on me to talk through it. Neither one of us allows the other to "fluff" the friendship. We tell each other the truth and call each other out on our shit. She's a true friend and I count on her more than she knows.
The opposite can happen too. I had a guy friend, for years, but once he started a relationship with his girlfriend, she saw me as a threat. Rather than talking to me about her concerns, worries and insecurities, she gave him an ultimatum to choose either her or me. She then called me and told me to stay away from him. That it was "inappropriate" of me to stop by his house, without her consent, while she was out of town. In my defense, I was dealing with a screaming 3 month old, in traffic, in 100 degree heat, and I needed a place to stop. His place was nearby, so I dropped in for 10 minutes, outside, and left. I had no idea she was out of town. For that reason, she stopped talking to me and pulled the plug on my friendship with him. I don't get it, never will. But it's his relationship and if he wants to have someone control that aspect of his life, more power to him!
People and relationships are complex dynamics. You can choose to roll with the punches or fight the beast within. For me, I am very secure in who I am, and the relationship I have. I do not concern myself with what was, only what is. If I held up a wall of suspicion, I would never have made the friends I have. They may be the "ex-girlfriend" or the "female friend" of my partner, but they are now my friends too. I value them, respect the friendship they have with my partner, and enjoy them for the friendship they give to me.Ladies, if you're reading this right now, you know who you are, I raise my glass to you! Cheers to great friendships!!
I've been in that situation a few times. It's kind of a tricky situation going into it because you know there was a break-up and they aren't together anymore, but what are the real intentions of the person who is no longer with the person you are dating? You want to be secure in your new relationship, but it can be weird and awkward, sharing your time, or worse, he/she is sharing their time with their ex. What do you do?
I've never been bothered by a boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. In fact, more times than not, I have made a good friend for life. I have come to realize, through my own failed relationships, that you can have a beautiful friendship with someone, and not connect beyond that.
I have been, for the most part, very fortunate to meet and befriend my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends. I do not find it necessary to be catty, rude or insecure. It also helps when the ex-girlfriend really just puts it out there and tells you exactly what her role is, in his life.
I met Kristin, for the first time, over the phone. She wanted to know who was spending time with her daughter and I didn't blame her at all. I remember one of the very first things out of her mouth was, "I just want you to know that I have absolutely no interest in getting back together again with Billy. It is never going to happen." I laugh now, but at the time, I remember thinking, I could really get along with this woman! She's got my "direct approach" style.
We bonded over the "Twilight Series", and have a standing date whenever a new movie comes out. She had my heart, when her love for the "wolf", didn't mix with my love for the "vampire". We go out for birthday's, holiday's and the "just because" days. She is there for me, like nobody can be, because she understands exactly what I go through. She is my sister from another mister, and I love her!
It's not just one sided, either. I am there for her when she needs to talk through something. We have found that we both over analyze certain situations, and she knows she can count on me to talk through it. Neither one of us allows the other to "fluff" the friendship. We tell each other the truth and call each other out on our shit. She's a true friend and I count on her more than she knows.
The opposite can happen too. I had a guy friend, for years, but once he started a relationship with his girlfriend, she saw me as a threat. Rather than talking to me about her concerns, worries and insecurities, she gave him an ultimatum to choose either her or me. She then called me and told me to stay away from him. That it was "inappropriate" of me to stop by his house, without her consent, while she was out of town. In my defense, I was dealing with a screaming 3 month old, in traffic, in 100 degree heat, and I needed a place to stop. His place was nearby, so I dropped in for 10 minutes, outside, and left. I had no idea she was out of town. For that reason, she stopped talking to me and pulled the plug on my friendship with him. I don't get it, never will. But it's his relationship and if he wants to have someone control that aspect of his life, more power to him!
People and relationships are complex dynamics. You can choose to roll with the punches or fight the beast within. For me, I am very secure in who I am, and the relationship I have. I do not concern myself with what was, only what is. If I held up a wall of suspicion, I would never have made the friends I have. They may be the "ex-girlfriend" or the "female friend" of my partner, but they are now my friends too. I value them, respect the friendship they have with my partner, and enjoy them for the friendship they give to me.Ladies, if you're reading this right now, you know who you are, I raise my glass to you! Cheers to great friendships!!
Friday, March 30, 2012
You are my inspiration.....
Sometimes, we just need to be inspired.
When I left my job back in 2006, I left behind a huge company that worked hard to continue to motivate and drive their employees, their members, and the community. I ventured off on my own, and I quickly realized how alone, I truly was. I had no other trainers there, pushing me to learn more, or create opportunities to create new exercises. I no longer had a company behind me, marketing my business or driving people through the front door. I had to do it all alone, and I failed.
Today, I was rejuvenated. I met some really great people who reminded me that my life is what I make it. Each day, I have the opportunity to wake up and start the day with the right attitude, take steps toward doing the right things, and make decisions that benefit not only me, but those around me. I am appreciative of the reminder, because in the trenches of life, I forget how important that piece, truly is.
It can be tough doing things on your own, whether it be running your own business, raising children, or trying to stay on an exercise program. We all need help. We all need someone to keep us motivated, set us straight when we forget the direction in which we are going, and to inspire us to do better for ourselves. After all, we all want encouragement and approval for the things we are working hard to achieve.
Some things that inspire me are:
-Seeing a client step on the scale, and see the scale move in the direction of their goal.
-Seeing someone overcome their fears by trying something new.
-Watching my children grow and develop over time.
-Seeing the joy on Billy's face when he is excited about golf, a movie, a book or whatever trend he's into that week.
-Watching someone work hard to overcome a physical obstacle and then finding it easier the next time they try it.
-Listening to a friend talk about their passion, whether it be music, sports or work.
-Watching someone else succeed, when they have previously failed.
I know that some of us don't really get to be recognized for the efforts we make in life. I certainly am no exception. But what you do, matters. Each one of us has a role in this life. Each of us, contributes in some way.
Tomorrow, I will wake up and I will start the day with a fresh attitude. I will do my job well, with gratitude and be thankful for each minute of my day. I will not bitch about sitting in traffic for hours.....well, maybe that's going too far....oh, who am I kidding? I hate traffic and it sucks ass! But outside of the traffic situation, I will look at each moment through a different lens. I am going to be the inspiration (hey, isn't that a song) rather than wait to be inspired. I will be the difference in someone's day!
I'd really like to know.....what inspires you?
When I left my job back in 2006, I left behind a huge company that worked hard to continue to motivate and drive their employees, their members, and the community. I ventured off on my own, and I quickly realized how alone, I truly was. I had no other trainers there, pushing me to learn more, or create opportunities to create new exercises. I no longer had a company behind me, marketing my business or driving people through the front door. I had to do it all alone, and I failed.
Today, I was rejuvenated. I met some really great people who reminded me that my life is what I make it. Each day, I have the opportunity to wake up and start the day with the right attitude, take steps toward doing the right things, and make decisions that benefit not only me, but those around me. I am appreciative of the reminder, because in the trenches of life, I forget how important that piece, truly is.
It can be tough doing things on your own, whether it be running your own business, raising children, or trying to stay on an exercise program. We all need help. We all need someone to keep us motivated, set us straight when we forget the direction in which we are going, and to inspire us to do better for ourselves. After all, we all want encouragement and approval for the things we are working hard to achieve.
Some things that inspire me are:
-Seeing a client step on the scale, and see the scale move in the direction of their goal.
-Seeing someone overcome their fears by trying something new.
-Watching my children grow and develop over time.
-Seeing the joy on Billy's face when he is excited about golf, a movie, a book or whatever trend he's into that week.
-Watching someone work hard to overcome a physical obstacle and then finding it easier the next time they try it.
-Listening to a friend talk about their passion, whether it be music, sports or work.
-Watching someone else succeed, when they have previously failed.
I know that some of us don't really get to be recognized for the efforts we make in life. I certainly am no exception. But what you do, matters. Each one of us has a role in this life. Each of us, contributes in some way.
Tomorrow, I will wake up and I will start the day with a fresh attitude. I will do my job well, with gratitude and be thankful for each minute of my day. I will not bitch about sitting in traffic for hours.....well, maybe that's going too far....oh, who am I kidding? I hate traffic and it sucks ass! But outside of the traffic situation, I will look at each moment through a different lens. I am going to be the inspiration (hey, isn't that a song) rather than wait to be inspired. I will be the difference in someone's day!
I'd really like to know.....what inspires you?
Thursday, March 1, 2012
My Biggest Regret.....
I've been getting a little off track. So today, I'm going to talk about my biggest regret. I don't have many. Maybe 3. This was a whopper. And it was a major turning point and set me toward the path I'm on now.
I bring it up because there's always stuff that floats around in my head and after writing all that sex crap, I realize that it's important to share this with you so you understand why I even posted that stuff.
About a year ago I came to the realization that I let the kitty do some major decision making for me. Pretty much all the relationships I've ever been in up until the last two, have been centered around sex, whether it was good, bad, unbelievable or non existent. It just wasn't apparent or conscious to me, until now.
My 6 year relationship ended and I was working at the gym in Hawaii. I met a guy named Scott (which is interesting because the guy that I just ended the relationship with is named Scott also). We spent hours talking and getting to know each other and we started a beautiful friendship. Time passed and he was careful with me. I'm pretty sure he didn't want to be the rebound guy, although that never came up in the numerous conversations we had. We admitted our attraction for each other but did nothing more than kiss on a few occasions.
A year goes by and still nothing more than the talk of a potential future. He was closing in on 40 and I was ten years younger. I think I needed to feel something more than what I was getting from him but being with him was so much fun and we became the best of friends not allowing sex to come between us. Building a foundation, is what he called it. 911 happened and he made a decision to live on the Big Island to finish building a home for his Mom to retire to. I knew I'd barely see him and made the decision to move back to California. I had to provide for my children and that's where I needed to go to do that.
When I left, we both felt sad but promised to visit each other. We would talk on the phone for hours after work and he would send me these huge packages in the mail. Cd's he burned for hours with handwritten play lists, things you can only get in Hawaii, little snacks he knew I loved, that sort of thing. I'd send video to him and write letters. It was a great way to communicate. We even agreed that we would go to his son's wedding in New York that summer. It was a great plan!
I met Chris at work. He was a shy guy, but I busted through that exterior shell like it was nothing. We spent time together and he was the human contact I needed at the time. But the friendship was nowhere close to what I had with Scott. However, there was chemistry and that kind of took over. I decided in order to make my decision, I would go back to Hawaii and spend time with Scott and see if there was going to be anything more to our relationship other than friendship. We spent 10 wonderful days together, but nothing happened. And it wasn't for lack of trying and effort on my part. He just felt that he wanted to keep it the way it was and not have a relationship based on sex alone. He wanted more. So did I, but I didn't understand. I didn't know what his intentions were.
Nothing happened. Zip, nada! No kissing, no nothing. I couldn't believe it! Impossible. The day he took me to the airport, he kissed me goodbye. It was a long, tender kiss, and I sure felt what he felt for me in that kiss. But I wasn't convinced he wanted more from me. I was young, dumb and inexperienced. I went back home thinking I was doing the right thing by choosing Chris, who was there for me. He was present and available. Surely he couldn't resist me, could he?
Scott called me and we talked. He regretted that nothing happened between us. He intuited that he made a mistake by not making a move. I confessed that I was getting involved with Chris. He decided that he would also clear his head and see someone without strings. He suggested that I try and make another trip out there. At the time, I was falling for Chris and lied about not being able to go see him. He knew I was lying. He was pissed!
The last time I spoke with him, he was so disappointed that I lied to him. He confessed that he was thinking ahead and wanting to preserve our relationship because he wanted to make absolute sure I was the one for him. He admitted he made a mistake by not giving me the connection I craved from him. He told me that he was planning, for an entire year, to ask me to marry him at his son's wedding. He had the ring and everything.
I was convinced at the time I was making the right decision, but I kind of felt rejected time and time again. I thought I was moving on because he had no intention of being with me romantically. I was wrong! And I was wrong about Chris too. Although I wish nothing but the best for both of those guys, I will always regret that decision. Clearer heads prevail, I have heard. But at the time, my libido was kicking into overdrive and caused me to make a critical error. Being where I am now, I'm glad it opened a pathway to my life now. But I regret hurting someone I cared for so deeply because I was thinking with the other head. Yes, guys, it can happen to females too!
I've learned that I have made bad decisions based on sex. I've learned that real relationships require a ton of work and when all is said and done, you simply have to be able to share much more of yourself with someone else. That requires you to be vulnerable and open and that's a very scary place to be. To truly be intimate with another person, you have to express your fears without judgement. I'm a work in progress, but dammit, I am learning something along this path!
I bring it up because there's always stuff that floats around in my head and after writing all that sex crap, I realize that it's important to share this with you so you understand why I even posted that stuff.
About a year ago I came to the realization that I let the kitty do some major decision making for me. Pretty much all the relationships I've ever been in up until the last two, have been centered around sex, whether it was good, bad, unbelievable or non existent. It just wasn't apparent or conscious to me, until now.
My 6 year relationship ended and I was working at the gym in Hawaii. I met a guy named Scott (which is interesting because the guy that I just ended the relationship with is named Scott also). We spent hours talking and getting to know each other and we started a beautiful friendship. Time passed and he was careful with me. I'm pretty sure he didn't want to be the rebound guy, although that never came up in the numerous conversations we had. We admitted our attraction for each other but did nothing more than kiss on a few occasions.
A year goes by and still nothing more than the talk of a potential future. He was closing in on 40 and I was ten years younger. I think I needed to feel something more than what I was getting from him but being with him was so much fun and we became the best of friends not allowing sex to come between us. Building a foundation, is what he called it. 911 happened and he made a decision to live on the Big Island to finish building a home for his Mom to retire to. I knew I'd barely see him and made the decision to move back to California. I had to provide for my children and that's where I needed to go to do that.
When I left, we both felt sad but promised to visit each other. We would talk on the phone for hours after work and he would send me these huge packages in the mail. Cd's he burned for hours with handwritten play lists, things you can only get in Hawaii, little snacks he knew I loved, that sort of thing. I'd send video to him and write letters. It was a great way to communicate. We even agreed that we would go to his son's wedding in New York that summer. It was a great plan!
I met Chris at work. He was a shy guy, but I busted through that exterior shell like it was nothing. We spent time together and he was the human contact I needed at the time. But the friendship was nowhere close to what I had with Scott. However, there was chemistry and that kind of took over. I decided in order to make my decision, I would go back to Hawaii and spend time with Scott and see if there was going to be anything more to our relationship other than friendship. We spent 10 wonderful days together, but nothing happened. And it wasn't for lack of trying and effort on my part. He just felt that he wanted to keep it the way it was and not have a relationship based on sex alone. He wanted more. So did I, but I didn't understand. I didn't know what his intentions were.
Nothing happened. Zip, nada! No kissing, no nothing. I couldn't believe it! Impossible. The day he took me to the airport, he kissed me goodbye. It was a long, tender kiss, and I sure felt what he felt for me in that kiss. But I wasn't convinced he wanted more from me. I was young, dumb and inexperienced. I went back home thinking I was doing the right thing by choosing Chris, who was there for me. He was present and available. Surely he couldn't resist me, could he?
Scott called me and we talked. He regretted that nothing happened between us. He intuited that he made a mistake by not making a move. I confessed that I was getting involved with Chris. He decided that he would also clear his head and see someone without strings. He suggested that I try and make another trip out there. At the time, I was falling for Chris and lied about not being able to go see him. He knew I was lying. He was pissed!
The last time I spoke with him, he was so disappointed that I lied to him. He confessed that he was thinking ahead and wanting to preserve our relationship because he wanted to make absolute sure I was the one for him. He admitted he made a mistake by not giving me the connection I craved from him. He told me that he was planning, for an entire year, to ask me to marry him at his son's wedding. He had the ring and everything.
I was convinced at the time I was making the right decision, but I kind of felt rejected time and time again. I thought I was moving on because he had no intention of being with me romantically. I was wrong! And I was wrong about Chris too. Although I wish nothing but the best for both of those guys, I will always regret that decision. Clearer heads prevail, I have heard. But at the time, my libido was kicking into overdrive and caused me to make a critical error. Being where I am now, I'm glad it opened a pathway to my life now. But I regret hurting someone I cared for so deeply because I was thinking with the other head. Yes, guys, it can happen to females too!
I've learned that I have made bad decisions based on sex. I've learned that real relationships require a ton of work and when all is said and done, you simply have to be able to share much more of yourself with someone else. That requires you to be vulnerable and open and that's a very scary place to be. To truly be intimate with another person, you have to express your fears without judgement. I'm a work in progress, but dammit, I am learning something along this path!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Fundamentals
West Coast Swing was something very new and very different from the way I had already learned to dance. It was difficult for me to wrap my head around the light lead of a good partner. I was used to my bar room partner putting my exactly where he wanted me to go and I was used to that particular style.
I encountered Billy one evening at the bar. I was interested in getting started and we crossed paths. I nearly blurted out that I was eager to learn that style and he was willing to help me along. Of course he was....wink, wink. We talked about what I should do to get started. When that piece of the conversation died down, there seemed nowhere to go but to take a severe left hand turn into another direction. I could tell you now why I decided to do that, but back then, I was perplexed why I wanted the conversation to continue.
We chatted about football. He was a college football guy and I'm an NFL girl. I swear to God, the very first thought I had when I learned that, was "If this leads to anything, we will have a hell of time doing anything on the weekends around both football schedules!" I liked the excitement in his voice and on his face when we talked. He engaged in the conversation as if I was the only person in the room. He had and still has this boyish charm that I'm very drawn to. So when he gave me his email address and asked for mine in return, it was a very non threatening way of starting communication. And no one had done that before, which I found unique.
I have a friend who is a swing dancer and she wanted to learn west coast as well. It all seemed to fit into place with the timing of it, that a west coast swing workshop was coming up. Billy suggested I take it. That I would learn a great deal from it. I had to start somewhere and my friend wanted to get a place in that class. Billy, as experienced as he is in west coast swing, decided to take the beginner's class with us. He said "It's always good to work on the fundamentals at any stage." That might have been the largest load of crap I have ever heard in my life, but I thought it was cute he was being so coy about his attraction to me.
Watching Billy go through the class.....one, two...three and four...five and six...about a thousand times, must have been excruciating for him. But he did it because of me. I don't think I'll ever forget that. That might have been the moment I knew something might happen between us. That's when it started.
We've had our share of ups and downs as any couple has but we keep at it. One, two...three and four...five and six. We talk about everything. And we learn more about the dance of life
as we take the steps together. He taught me a good lesson that day. It's always good to work on your fundamentals, at any stage!
I encountered Billy one evening at the bar. I was interested in getting started and we crossed paths. I nearly blurted out that I was eager to learn that style and he was willing to help me along. Of course he was....wink, wink. We talked about what I should do to get started. When that piece of the conversation died down, there seemed nowhere to go but to take a severe left hand turn into another direction. I could tell you now why I decided to do that, but back then, I was perplexed why I wanted the conversation to continue.
We chatted about football. He was a college football guy and I'm an NFL girl. I swear to God, the very first thought I had when I learned that, was "If this leads to anything, we will have a hell of time doing anything on the weekends around both football schedules!" I liked the excitement in his voice and on his face when we talked. He engaged in the conversation as if I was the only person in the room. He had and still has this boyish charm that I'm very drawn to. So when he gave me his email address and asked for mine in return, it was a very non threatening way of starting communication. And no one had done that before, which I found unique.
I have a friend who is a swing dancer and she wanted to learn west coast as well. It all seemed to fit into place with the timing of it, that a west coast swing workshop was coming up. Billy suggested I take it. That I would learn a great deal from it. I had to start somewhere and my friend wanted to get a place in that class. Billy, as experienced as he is in west coast swing, decided to take the beginner's class with us. He said "It's always good to work on the fundamentals at any stage." That might have been the largest load of crap I have ever heard in my life, but I thought it was cute he was being so coy about his attraction to me.
Watching Billy go through the class.....one, two...three and four...five and six...about a thousand times, must have been excruciating for him. But he did it because of me. I don't think I'll ever forget that. That might have been the moment I knew something might happen between us. That's when it started.
We've had our share of ups and downs as any couple has but we keep at it. One, two...three and four...five and six. We talk about everything. And we learn more about the dance of life
as we take the steps together. He taught me a good lesson that day. It's always good to work on your fundamentals, at any stage!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Creating the List
I was frustrated. I knew, if I had any hope at all with sharing my remote control with someone, someday, I had to figure out exactly what I wanted, needed and hoped for in a partner. I wondered why it was so hard to find a nice guy, that could treat me well and be all that I needed him to be to accommodate my life? Don't we all think that way at some point?
I created The List. On my list were things that I absolutely needed in a partner. His core values per say. I think there were 15 items on that part of the list. Then I broke it down further and added what I wanted in a partner. All the things that I really wanted from someone, so I didn't have to compromise all that much. I mean, hey, chemistry can only get you so far, right? There were more items during that portion of my list because I wanted to put it out there in the universe that I wanted certain things from a partner and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than those things. And pulling in the rear, I had all the little things that would be great for my partner to have.
I'm cracking myself up thinking about how I utilized that list! It was kind of crazy. I would keep it in my purse and when I was out on a date I would slip away into the bathroom and review the list. That way, I could interview the guy better if I reminded myself to stick to the list. There was no way I was going to veer too far to the left. This list would keep me in line even if I thought about stepping out of the box. You betcha!! I had my L-I-S-T!! Bring IT!!!
I had rules about the list. If the guy didn't meet my height requirement, he was out. If he didn't like sports, particularly football, he was out. If he was a Giants, Eagles or Redskin fan....OUT, OUT, OUT!! Oh, you don't have chest hair? OUT! Coors Light isn't your thing? OUT!!! I was a crazy person, wielding my list above my head.
My list brought me clarity and hope. I clung to it like a bible. Utilized it like a checklist. I finally came to my senses and realized that no guy could ever meet all the items on my list. That person doesn't exist. I realized in time that the person I was really working on was me. By clinging to my list, I identified something in me that needed some work. I was raising a standard for myself and opening up to things about myself that I wanted to reevaluate. In doing so, I was able to learn more about me and what I liked. I learned more about what I valued. I grounded and centered myself.
I learned that I am not always the easiest person to understand. That sometimes I need a timeout. I also figured out that although I was playing the victim by thinking that all men leave me, I was actually doing the pushing away. If it got too hard, I didn't work at it. I gave up. If I had to compromise too much, I lost interest. I know myself better now. Even though The List was created to find something that wasn't there, I think by healing and finding myself, I got pretty darn close to an 85% match this time around. So make your list. Find yourself. It's definitely worth the effort!
I created The List. On my list were things that I absolutely needed in a partner. His core values per say. I think there were 15 items on that part of the list. Then I broke it down further and added what I wanted in a partner. All the things that I really wanted from someone, so I didn't have to compromise all that much. I mean, hey, chemistry can only get you so far, right? There were more items during that portion of my list because I wanted to put it out there in the universe that I wanted certain things from a partner and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than those things. And pulling in the rear, I had all the little things that would be great for my partner to have.
I'm cracking myself up thinking about how I utilized that list! It was kind of crazy. I would keep it in my purse and when I was out on a date I would slip away into the bathroom and review the list. That way, I could interview the guy better if I reminded myself to stick to the list. There was no way I was going to veer too far to the left. This list would keep me in line even if I thought about stepping out of the box. You betcha!! I had my L-I-S-T!! Bring IT!!!
I had rules about the list. If the guy didn't meet my height requirement, he was out. If he didn't like sports, particularly football, he was out. If he was a Giants, Eagles or Redskin fan....OUT, OUT, OUT!! Oh, you don't have chest hair? OUT! Coors Light isn't your thing? OUT!!! I was a crazy person, wielding my list above my head.
My list brought me clarity and hope. I clung to it like a bible. Utilized it like a checklist. I finally came to my senses and realized that no guy could ever meet all the items on my list. That person doesn't exist. I realized in time that the person I was really working on was me. By clinging to my list, I identified something in me that needed some work. I was raising a standard for myself and opening up to things about myself that I wanted to reevaluate. In doing so, I was able to learn more about me and what I liked. I learned more about what I valued. I grounded and centered myself.
I learned that I am not always the easiest person to understand. That sometimes I need a timeout. I also figured out that although I was playing the victim by thinking that all men leave me, I was actually doing the pushing away. If it got too hard, I didn't work at it. I gave up. If I had to compromise too much, I lost interest. I know myself better now. Even though The List was created to find something that wasn't there, I think by healing and finding myself, I got pretty darn close to an 85% match this time around. So make your list. Find yourself. It's definitely worth the effort!
The List
I dated and danced. I finally believed in myself enough to date. Funny, I never thought I had confidence issues until I started looking around after being single for so long and realized that I was not opening myself up to meeting anyone. But there it was, staring me in the eye, daring me to invite the dating world in.
I did. I invited every knucklehead in a 5 miles radius into my little bubble! After experiencing, what I call the nightmare years, I started thinking about why it was so hard to find the right person. It was like I was trying to find something that was unique and interesting but I would encounter the scary and frightening!
I remember this one guy emailing me telling me that he recognized me from the bar and wondered if I was a "good" girl or "bad" girl. I asked why he was wondering that about me because I was just getting my feet wet in the dating world and couldn't possibly have a reputation on either side just yet. He told me it was due to the crowd I was hanging out with at the time and he thought I was a "bad" girl and he didn't date "bad" girls. I really should have listened to my inner gut telling me to run for the hills, but I thought maybe there was more to this guy than he was showing me.
When he asked me on a predate before officially asking me on a real date, I agreed. I didn't think it was that uncommon for people to meet for coffee or whatever to get a pulse for the other person. That doesn't seem that strange, right? WRONG!! He was rude and demanding to the waitress. He was challenging with me when we spoke of football. Even saying that he normally doesn't date anyone who is a Cowboy's fan because he can't stand the Cowboy's. I figured anyone can have a bad day and maybe I was being too judgmental, so I agreed to meet him for the date.
We met at the restaurant, which was a very upscale restaurant and he showed up in his cowboy get up complete with a hat, which he did not take off for dinner. He was in much better spirits this time around, but when it was over and we were waiting for the valet to bring the cars around, I couldn't help notice that he brought his dog with him, which he kept in the car the entire time! WTH?? He tried planting a wet one on me but I backed away saying "I don't kiss on the first date. Sorry. "
I met him one more time (which I can't even believe I did! I'm an idiot sometimes!) and this time it was for coffee, since I was in the area anyway. When we got into the cafe' part of the bookstore, he notices a dead bird outside of the door. Instead of getting up to alert the barrista, he SHOUTS at the top of his lungs...."Hey! ..... Hey! There's a dead bird outside of the doorway!!! You MIGHT want to pick it up!!!!" I was embarrassed and appalled and that's when it all came to an end. Well, not quite.
A week later, he calls me to tell me that it just wouldn't work out between us because he's been thinking about the fact that I have kids from a previous relationship. That just won't do for him. I, of course, could have cared less at this point and let him off the hook. There was no point in continuing the conversation. But I do have to see him at the bar because that's the place I like to dance. A few days later, he walks in with his new roommate, whom he introduces me to. He asks me if he can talk to me privately.
Sometimes, I am just too darn nice for my own good. I walk with him to the opposite side of the bar. He pulls me a little closer and wants to propose an idea he's been thinking about. He doesn't think we would work out as a couple (you got that right, buddy!) but would like to know if we could be casual lovers and sleep with each other on occasion. Crickets.....me staring in utter amazement at him. I finally ask, "Do I have whore written across my forehead?" and I walk away. He has since been dubbed "The Asshole". It was that event that got me thinking.....I need a list! A very long list!!
I did. I invited every knucklehead in a 5 miles radius into my little bubble! After experiencing, what I call the nightmare years, I started thinking about why it was so hard to find the right person. It was like I was trying to find something that was unique and interesting but I would encounter the scary and frightening!
I remember this one guy emailing me telling me that he recognized me from the bar and wondered if I was a "good" girl or "bad" girl. I asked why he was wondering that about me because I was just getting my feet wet in the dating world and couldn't possibly have a reputation on either side just yet. He told me it was due to the crowd I was hanging out with at the time and he thought I was a "bad" girl and he didn't date "bad" girls. I really should have listened to my inner gut telling me to run for the hills, but I thought maybe there was more to this guy than he was showing me.
When he asked me on a predate before officially asking me on a real date, I agreed. I didn't think it was that uncommon for people to meet for coffee or whatever to get a pulse for the other person. That doesn't seem that strange, right? WRONG!! He was rude and demanding to the waitress. He was challenging with me when we spoke of football. Even saying that he normally doesn't date anyone who is a Cowboy's fan because he can't stand the Cowboy's. I figured anyone can have a bad day and maybe I was being too judgmental, so I agreed to meet him for the date.
We met at the restaurant, which was a very upscale restaurant and he showed up in his cowboy get up complete with a hat, which he did not take off for dinner. He was in much better spirits this time around, but when it was over and we were waiting for the valet to bring the cars around, I couldn't help notice that he brought his dog with him, which he kept in the car the entire time! WTH?? He tried planting a wet one on me but I backed away saying "I don't kiss on the first date. Sorry. "
I met him one more time (which I can't even believe I did! I'm an idiot sometimes!) and this time it was for coffee, since I was in the area anyway. When we got into the cafe' part of the bookstore, he notices a dead bird outside of the door. Instead of getting up to alert the barrista, he SHOUTS at the top of his lungs...."Hey! ..... Hey! There's a dead bird outside of the doorway!!! You MIGHT want to pick it up!!!!" I was embarrassed and appalled and that's when it all came to an end. Well, not quite.
A week later, he calls me to tell me that it just wouldn't work out between us because he's been thinking about the fact that I have kids from a previous relationship. That just won't do for him. I, of course, could have cared less at this point and let him off the hook. There was no point in continuing the conversation. But I do have to see him at the bar because that's the place I like to dance. A few days later, he walks in with his new roommate, whom he introduces me to. He asks me if he can talk to me privately.
Sometimes, I am just too darn nice for my own good. I walk with him to the opposite side of the bar. He pulls me a little closer and wants to propose an idea he's been thinking about. He doesn't think we would work out as a couple (you got that right, buddy!) but would like to know if we could be casual lovers and sleep with each other on occasion. Crickets.....me staring in utter amazement at him. I finally ask, "Do I have whore written across my forehead?" and I walk away. He has since been dubbed "The Asshole". It was that event that got me thinking.....I need a list! A very long list!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Competition
Shawn and I were tearing it up on that hard wood floor. Night after night, week after week. But he was a jack of all trades, so he would be out of town frequently. Those nights would suck. I'd kind of blown off some of my other dance partners and I would be standing around waiting to see if someone would also be standing around, so I could ask them to dance.
I saw this guy from across the room. He was wearing a white shirt and under the black light, he stood out. I remember seeing him there before and I knew he could dance. We labeled guys like that "prissy dancers". I gathered my courage and went over to ask him to dance, knowing that the only thing I had going for me was my looks. I was a novice dancer, and knew he was far more experienced, but I thought maybe he'd be willing to humor me because I'm hot!
I walked up to him and said "Hi, I'm Cindy. My regular dance partner isn't here tonight. I'm still new to dancing and I'm wiling to learn if you're patient with me. Would you like to dance?" He said, "Sure. I'm Billy. Nice to meet you." Score! And off we went. I was horrible. He was a very light lead. No yanking me around the floor, so I had a really hard time following him. I'm sure he thought, "Oh God, how long is this dance going to last?" Because after it ended, that was it. No other conversation. No additional dance. I was horrible and he knew it. Damn, oh well. So much for all the dancing I had done to get better.
Shawn came back into town. He would slowly start to open up to me and I learned more about him. Long nights of dancing our tails off and long conversations about life, our families and poker. I learned a lot from his insight. So when I heard there was going to be a dance competition, called Just Dance, I thought we could enter and win. We're both pretty competitive and the only way Shawn would enter is if he thought we could win or place.
Eventually, I convinced him. We started practicing our moves off site. We practiced and practiced gearing up for the competition. We did these floor spins, through the leg moves and everything. We thought we had nailed it! Off we went to the first of 3 locations to try and get a spot in the big competition a month from then.
We arrived at the first location with high expectations. We knew we were good and we were going to show everyone! We gathered our numbers and pinned them on. We waited for our number to be called and then off we went to take the floor with a handful of others. As all the "heats" danced we waited to see who made it to the final "heat". Our number was not called. Wait! What??
This was a Just Dance competition, for those "prissy dancers" not for the bar room dancers. But we pressed on thinking we would eventually place somehow. We tried the following week. New venue and some different dancers. We grabbed our numbers and that's when I saw him again, with his partner, Joan, the best dancer at the place we usually dance. Billy was here and ready to compete. We were toast. I did the only thing I could think to do at the time, knowing that this was going to be bad again. I sat down and cheered Billy and Joan on. I didn't really know either of them but I thought, what the heck? If it's not going to be us, then I'll cheer for the dancers at our bar.
After the dance, Billy came up to me and told me that it was really cool of me to cheer them on. He was impressed. I just wanted to get through the nerves I had and get out on the floor for our dance. I excused myself and ran for the bathroom, trying to get the courage to hit the floor again. Our number was called once again and we were off. I think we did pretty well, but the judges didn't think so. We were out, again. Oh well, onto round three.
By the time the following week rolled around, we thought things would be different somehow. Or at least, I did. I wasn't aware of how things really worked in the dance community. Eventually, I understood after the 2nd venue, that we were not what they were looking for. By the time the 3rd rolled around, we were in it for fun. When we arrived at the 3rd venue, Billy and Joan were there. Even though the took 1st place in the 2nd venue, they were there to check out the other dancers and offer up support for others. We had a great time but again, were rejected.
I suspect that Shawn's ego was wounded a little bit after that whole thing. But for me, I saw an opportunity to become better and to try and open up my options in the dance world a little bit more. Sometimes, at certain venues, there are far too many line dances in comparison to two-steps so there's a lot of standing around. I got the bright idea that if I learned to west coast swing and learn some of the "prissy dancer" ways, then I might be able to dance more in a night.
I honestly had no idea what door was about to swing open for me. I will tell you though, this was one of the decisions I made, that ultimately changed my life as I knew it........
I saw this guy from across the room. He was wearing a white shirt and under the black light, he stood out. I remember seeing him there before and I knew he could dance. We labeled guys like that "prissy dancers". I gathered my courage and went over to ask him to dance, knowing that the only thing I had going for me was my looks. I was a novice dancer, and knew he was far more experienced, but I thought maybe he'd be willing to humor me because I'm hot!
I walked up to him and said "Hi, I'm Cindy. My regular dance partner isn't here tonight. I'm still new to dancing and I'm wiling to learn if you're patient with me. Would you like to dance?" He said, "Sure. I'm Billy. Nice to meet you." Score! And off we went. I was horrible. He was a very light lead. No yanking me around the floor, so I had a really hard time following him. I'm sure he thought, "Oh God, how long is this dance going to last?" Because after it ended, that was it. No other conversation. No additional dance. I was horrible and he knew it. Damn, oh well. So much for all the dancing I had done to get better.
Shawn came back into town. He would slowly start to open up to me and I learned more about him. Long nights of dancing our tails off and long conversations about life, our families and poker. I learned a lot from his insight. So when I heard there was going to be a dance competition, called Just Dance, I thought we could enter and win. We're both pretty competitive and the only way Shawn would enter is if he thought we could win or place.
Eventually, I convinced him. We started practicing our moves off site. We practiced and practiced gearing up for the competition. We did these floor spins, through the leg moves and everything. We thought we had nailed it! Off we went to the first of 3 locations to try and get a spot in the big competition a month from then.
We arrived at the first location with high expectations. We knew we were good and we were going to show everyone! We gathered our numbers and pinned them on. We waited for our number to be called and then off we went to take the floor with a handful of others. As all the "heats" danced we waited to see who made it to the final "heat". Our number was not called. Wait! What??
This was a Just Dance competition, for those "prissy dancers" not for the bar room dancers. But we pressed on thinking we would eventually place somehow. We tried the following week. New venue and some different dancers. We grabbed our numbers and that's when I saw him again, with his partner, Joan, the best dancer at the place we usually dance. Billy was here and ready to compete. We were toast. I did the only thing I could think to do at the time, knowing that this was going to be bad again. I sat down and cheered Billy and Joan on. I didn't really know either of them but I thought, what the heck? If it's not going to be us, then I'll cheer for the dancers at our bar.
After the dance, Billy came up to me and told me that it was really cool of me to cheer them on. He was impressed. I just wanted to get through the nerves I had and get out on the floor for our dance. I excused myself and ran for the bathroom, trying to get the courage to hit the floor again. Our number was called once again and we were off. I think we did pretty well, but the judges didn't think so. We were out, again. Oh well, onto round three.
By the time the following week rolled around, we thought things would be different somehow. Or at least, I did. I wasn't aware of how things really worked in the dance community. Eventually, I understood after the 2nd venue, that we were not what they were looking for. By the time the 3rd rolled around, we were in it for fun. When we arrived at the 3rd venue, Billy and Joan were there. Even though the took 1st place in the 2nd venue, they were there to check out the other dancers and offer up support for others. We had a great time but again, were rejected.
I suspect that Shawn's ego was wounded a little bit after that whole thing. But for me, I saw an opportunity to become better and to try and open up my options in the dance world a little bit more. Sometimes, at certain venues, there are far too many line dances in comparison to two-steps so there's a lot of standing around. I got the bright idea that if I learned to west coast swing and learn some of the "prissy dancer" ways, then I might be able to dance more in a night.
I honestly had no idea what door was about to swing open for me. I will tell you though, this was one of the decisions I made, that ultimately changed my life as I knew it........
Finding my people....
Every Thursday and Saturday night, I'd go dance. My children were old enough to care for themselves with the help of a college student roommate I had. I simply could not let one or both of those days go by without getting on the dance floor.
I was also learning a little bit about my inner goddess. I never really tapped into that side of myself before. I seemed to always be in a relationship, without really dating or having an identity of my own. I was in 3 long term relationships before the last one nearly sent me over the edge. I decided that it was a good idea to find myself since the break up crushed me. I didn't like the feeling of being so helplessly in love with someone, that I couldn't really function as a person after the break up. To make matters far worse, he was someone I worked with. Another reason I decided to let the job go and start my own business.
When I found dancing, it brought so much joy to my life. I really felt as though I had something that was mine. In my life, my immediate inner circle were always work people. I made a lot of friends and I would stay within that group. When I left, I didn't have my people. I didn't realize it until the other day thinking back on the memories, but I didn't really have a social group of people outside of work, ever!
Rob and I would go out dancing. During the course of the night, we would want to check out the action in the bar. We would individually take laps around so people would not think we were together as a couple. After a while, that didn't seem to work because they still thought we were together as a couple. We showed up religiously together, so I can see how the mistake could be made. We started introducing each other as brother or sister to eliminate the threat of the word "friend" (which I would later learn that more than a few people, would coin the term loosely, as someone who they sometimes slept with!).
Rob became my brother and I, his sister and our dating life opened up. Well, his more than mine. I was into the dancing too much. I made some friends. Lot's of friends actually. Soon, I was a regular. I was dancing regularly with Jeff, Kevin (no hat), Kevin (black hat) and Steve. I made girlfriends in Nell, Sam, Toni, Karen, Judy and Francie. I now had some people! And then I saw him. The guy who tossed me aside because the song was too fast for my novice legs. Shawn, he was back from a small hiatus and I was ready for that son-of-a-bitch! I truly had no idea what I was in for, but I was drawn to him and his style of dance, and I was ready for some fun, finally in my life. Oh man, did he deliver!
Keep in mind that I was still aggressive. I was still learning about that control thing. I marched right up to him and asked where he has been. It's in my nature to take the bull by the horns and if I want something, take it. This whole be coy, shy and evasive thing girls do, was not my style. I had no experience when it came to being a true lady. I was large and in charge.
I'm laughing thinking back on the memory. Poor Shawn, he never saw it coming. He was trying to be cool, maybe pick up a chick or two, and here comes Berta the Bull, mowing him down to get her dances with him. I suppose with any other guy, that might have been quite the turn off, but Shawn is actually patient and he humored me for a while. Then he realized that I could match his style of dance and I picked it rather fast. The more we danced the better we got as partners. And I'll tell you what, we had a ton of fun in the process. We started picking up more days to dance. Pretty soon Friday night was in there and sometimes a Tues night, too. People were starting to take notice and providing the ego with a whole bunch of compliments. I think that fueled the fire and my next decision......we would enter a dance competition!
I was also learning a little bit about my inner goddess. I never really tapped into that side of myself before. I seemed to always be in a relationship, without really dating or having an identity of my own. I was in 3 long term relationships before the last one nearly sent me over the edge. I decided that it was a good idea to find myself since the break up crushed me. I didn't like the feeling of being so helplessly in love with someone, that I couldn't really function as a person after the break up. To make matters far worse, he was someone I worked with. Another reason I decided to let the job go and start my own business.
When I found dancing, it brought so much joy to my life. I really felt as though I had something that was mine. In my life, my immediate inner circle were always work people. I made a lot of friends and I would stay within that group. When I left, I didn't have my people. I didn't realize it until the other day thinking back on the memories, but I didn't really have a social group of people outside of work, ever!
Rob and I would go out dancing. During the course of the night, we would want to check out the action in the bar. We would individually take laps around so people would not think we were together as a couple. After a while, that didn't seem to work because they still thought we were together as a couple. We showed up religiously together, so I can see how the mistake could be made. We started introducing each other as brother or sister to eliminate the threat of the word "friend" (which I would later learn that more than a few people, would coin the term loosely, as someone who they sometimes slept with!).
Rob became my brother and I, his sister and our dating life opened up. Well, his more than mine. I was into the dancing too much. I made some friends. Lot's of friends actually. Soon, I was a regular. I was dancing regularly with Jeff, Kevin (no hat), Kevin (black hat) and Steve. I made girlfriends in Nell, Sam, Toni, Karen, Judy and Francie. I now had some people! And then I saw him. The guy who tossed me aside because the song was too fast for my novice legs. Shawn, he was back from a small hiatus and I was ready for that son-of-a-bitch! I truly had no idea what I was in for, but I was drawn to him and his style of dance, and I was ready for some fun, finally in my life. Oh man, did he deliver!
Keep in mind that I was still aggressive. I was still learning about that control thing. I marched right up to him and asked where he has been. It's in my nature to take the bull by the horns and if I want something, take it. This whole be coy, shy and evasive thing girls do, was not my style. I had no experience when it came to being a true lady. I was large and in charge.
I'm laughing thinking back on the memory. Poor Shawn, he never saw it coming. He was trying to be cool, maybe pick up a chick or two, and here comes Berta the Bull, mowing him down to get her dances with him. I suppose with any other guy, that might have been quite the turn off, but Shawn is actually patient and he humored me for a while. Then he realized that I could match his style of dance and I picked it rather fast. The more we danced the better we got as partners. And I'll tell you what, we had a ton of fun in the process. We started picking up more days to dance. Pretty soon Friday night was in there and sometimes a Tues night, too. People were starting to take notice and providing the ego with a whole bunch of compliments. I think that fueled the fire and my next decision......we would enter a dance competition!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Who's in control now?
For the next several months I became addicted to the dancing. I did everything I could to learn more. I even found courage where others faltered.
I had been a manager for years and years. I didn't know how to not be in control. I made all the decision in business and my own personal life, since I was on my own, raising two girls. To submit myself on the dance floor was my biggest challenge.
I was so fresh and new. Eager to dance all that I could while I was there. I would introduce myself to several of the bar room dancers/regulars and ask them to help guide me and teach me, all they knew. If a two-step started I would go racing to grab one of the better dancers as fast as I could. I'm sure the women who would dance with them, would see me coming and not be too happy with losing a dance or two. I've been in that position several times, later on down the road.
After I'd finish a song or two with my male partners, I'd ask for some feedback. They were all too quick with their responses. "You need to let me lead. Just get better at following what I want you to do. Don't try and assume what my next move will be." The whole time I was thinking they were kind of crazy. I felt like they yanked me into place, so how in the world could I be trying to lead them?
I thought it might be time to spread my wings a little bit. I saw this funny looking guy with long, Einstein looking hair, out on the dance floor one particular night. I thought he had style and was smooth out there. So I marched right over and introduced myself. I told him I was still new to dancing and wanted to learn more. I asked if he would be willing to dance with me and teach me a little bit. I'm sure it had to have been very flattering to have a woman come up and ask you to teach her to dance.
He took me out for a "test drive" on the floor. After the first song, he drops me off on the side and says "I think this one's a bit fast for you" and walked off to grab a more experienced partner. I cannot even tell you what lit up inside of me at that moment. I think that was all I needed to hear to motivate me to push harder. I didn't see that guy for a month, but during that month I worked harder and harder than I ever have.
All the while, I was distracted from what was really going on. I was slowly learning to lean on another person and relinquishing my control issues. I became much better at following and allowing my lead to take full control of the driver's seat. I also realized during that time that I was learning a valuable lesson in my personal life. If I wanted to really succeed in a loving relationship, I needed to learn to lean on and trust my partner. I'm not sure I was ever really good at that part, nor was I comfortable. I am still uneasy with it. But I have learned that it's a primitive thing for men to want to lead their partner.
I have been the woman that has worn the pants in the family and that worked in those relationships, which eventually didn't really work out at all. I learned that I could be a strong business person, but I had to loosen up in my private life. I am now in a relationship that is working because I have learned to share in my decisions, my joys and my sorrows. I have learned to ask for help when I need it. I have learned to give and receive, which is not always easy for me. But I have learned from dancing. I think Country had it right, life is a dance.......
I had been a manager for years and years. I didn't know how to not be in control. I made all the decision in business and my own personal life, since I was on my own, raising two girls. To submit myself on the dance floor was my biggest challenge.
I was so fresh and new. Eager to dance all that I could while I was there. I would introduce myself to several of the bar room dancers/regulars and ask them to help guide me and teach me, all they knew. If a two-step started I would go racing to grab one of the better dancers as fast as I could. I'm sure the women who would dance with them, would see me coming and not be too happy with losing a dance or two. I've been in that position several times, later on down the road.
After I'd finish a song or two with my male partners, I'd ask for some feedback. They were all too quick with their responses. "You need to let me lead. Just get better at following what I want you to do. Don't try and assume what my next move will be." The whole time I was thinking they were kind of crazy. I felt like they yanked me into place, so how in the world could I be trying to lead them?
I thought it might be time to spread my wings a little bit. I saw this funny looking guy with long, Einstein looking hair, out on the dance floor one particular night. I thought he had style and was smooth out there. So I marched right over and introduced myself. I told him I was still new to dancing and wanted to learn more. I asked if he would be willing to dance with me and teach me a little bit. I'm sure it had to have been very flattering to have a woman come up and ask you to teach her to dance.
He took me out for a "test drive" on the floor. After the first song, he drops me off on the side and says "I think this one's a bit fast for you" and walked off to grab a more experienced partner. I cannot even tell you what lit up inside of me at that moment. I think that was all I needed to hear to motivate me to push harder. I didn't see that guy for a month, but during that month I worked harder and harder than I ever have.
All the while, I was distracted from what was really going on. I was slowly learning to lean on another person and relinquishing my control issues. I became much better at following and allowing my lead to take full control of the driver's seat. I also realized during that time that I was learning a valuable lesson in my personal life. If I wanted to really succeed in a loving relationship, I needed to learn to lean on and trust my partner. I'm not sure I was ever really good at that part, nor was I comfortable. I am still uneasy with it. But I have learned that it's a primitive thing for men to want to lead their partner.
I have been the woman that has worn the pants in the family and that worked in those relationships, which eventually didn't really work out at all. I learned that I could be a strong business person, but I had to loosen up in my private life. I am now in a relationship that is working because I have learned to share in my decisions, my joys and my sorrows. I have learned to ask for help when I need it. I have learned to give and receive, which is not always easy for me. But I have learned from dancing. I think Country had it right, life is a dance.......
The Turning Point
I introduced myself in the previous post so you could get a sense of who I am and what brought me to this point in my life. I never thought that walking away from a stable job would completely change my life. I'm not an idiot, I do understand that some change was inevitable. But, we're talking 180 degrees here!
I was a single Mom of 2 children. I weighed the decision to leave the job very carefully. I had some money saved and knew I could live off of my savings for 6 months. I figured I had 6 months to get a better sense of starting my own business. My parents stepped up to help out because they "wanted me to succeed and have a fair shot of running my own business".
After leaving the job, I wasn't prepared for the depression that enveloped me. It felt as though I was going through a divorce all over again. I had some trouble getting moving at the beginning of the day. I found that I took more naps than a person should. I couldn't seem to help myself. Until the day I realized what was happening to me. Then I started to come out of the funk.
I knew I needed to find something that was mine. I gave a lot of myself to my children and the former job. I had no real identity other than those two things. No wonder I fell into such a depression after I left a job that consumed 12+ hours of my life a day! I think I was watching to much tv at the time and suddenly it hit me.......
I went out with a girlfriend of mine. We went to this local club. Hip hop music. Younger crowd. A lot of people under the influence. You know the drill, right? Well, after about 20 minutes in the club, I was dancing next to my friend when I feel this hand reach up my skirt and grab my ass! What the hell just happened? I turn around to see this guy smiling at me with his hand up my skirt and he tries to plant one on my lips! That was it! I was out of there. I do not want to be assaulted on the dance floor! When the heck did it get this bad out there, anyway? Have I really been so consumed with work and out of the loop, that I hadn't noticed what was going on in the world around me?
I think that was the moment that I figured out what I wanted to do, what I wanted to involve myself in and what direction I wanted my life to go in. I started looking up ballroom dancing clinics, lessons or anything I could find. Most were out of my area. I stumbled across a country bar in the area and they give free lessons on Thursday and Saturday night. I picked up the phone and called my good guy friend and planned to go that Saturday.
We got there pretty early, ready for that first lesson, which happened to be a line dance. Followed by the next lesson which was a sweetheart dance. I remember it so clearly. Even 5 years later. The dance instructor, having the patience of a saint, trying to diplomatically tell me which way to turn and that I was not turning the right way. I could not understand what I was supposed to do for the life of me.
As the night pressed on, we sat at our table on the opposite side of the dance floor, which is blocked by the bar. My guy friend, Rob, ordered food and talked me off the ledge after the terrible lesson. Eventually, the dance instructor came over to talk to us and reassure me that it takes time and practice. He encouraged me to not give up. Rob and I decided to take a look around and see if we could meet new people.
As we made our way around the dance floor, we noticed people everywhere. My attention was drawn to the dance floor. I was totally amazed at what I was seeing. There were all these people who knew every line dance that was called. Then a two-step was called. Men would walk over and ask a lady to dance. He would respectfully dance with her in a continuous circle around the dance floor. I watched in utter amazement that they all looked like they knew what they were doing and I was more impressed with how respectful the men were with the women. I knew I had found my calling. And I also knew that I would not find a single asshole who would try to feel me up on that dance floor. It seemed to be about the dancing here and that's exactly what I was looking for!
Single mother, personal trainer and now, attempted dancer. Life would become very, very fun and also very, very surreal..........
I was a single Mom of 2 children. I weighed the decision to leave the job very carefully. I had some money saved and knew I could live off of my savings for 6 months. I figured I had 6 months to get a better sense of starting my own business. My parents stepped up to help out because they "wanted me to succeed and have a fair shot of running my own business".
After leaving the job, I wasn't prepared for the depression that enveloped me. It felt as though I was going through a divorce all over again. I had some trouble getting moving at the beginning of the day. I found that I took more naps than a person should. I couldn't seem to help myself. Until the day I realized what was happening to me. Then I started to come out of the funk.
I knew I needed to find something that was mine. I gave a lot of myself to my children and the former job. I had no real identity other than those two things. No wonder I fell into such a depression after I left a job that consumed 12+ hours of my life a day! I think I was watching to much tv at the time and suddenly it hit me.......
I went out with a girlfriend of mine. We went to this local club. Hip hop music. Younger crowd. A lot of people under the influence. You know the drill, right? Well, after about 20 minutes in the club, I was dancing next to my friend when I feel this hand reach up my skirt and grab my ass! What the hell just happened? I turn around to see this guy smiling at me with his hand up my skirt and he tries to plant one on my lips! That was it! I was out of there. I do not want to be assaulted on the dance floor! When the heck did it get this bad out there, anyway? Have I really been so consumed with work and out of the loop, that I hadn't noticed what was going on in the world around me?
I think that was the moment that I figured out what I wanted to do, what I wanted to involve myself in and what direction I wanted my life to go in. I started looking up ballroom dancing clinics, lessons or anything I could find. Most were out of my area. I stumbled across a country bar in the area and they give free lessons on Thursday and Saturday night. I picked up the phone and called my good guy friend and planned to go that Saturday.
We got there pretty early, ready for that first lesson, which happened to be a line dance. Followed by the next lesson which was a sweetheart dance. I remember it so clearly. Even 5 years later. The dance instructor, having the patience of a saint, trying to diplomatically tell me which way to turn and that I was not turning the right way. I could not understand what I was supposed to do for the life of me.
As the night pressed on, we sat at our table on the opposite side of the dance floor, which is blocked by the bar. My guy friend, Rob, ordered food and talked me off the ledge after the terrible lesson. Eventually, the dance instructor came over to talk to us and reassure me that it takes time and practice. He encouraged me to not give up. Rob and I decided to take a look around and see if we could meet new people.
As we made our way around the dance floor, we noticed people everywhere. My attention was drawn to the dance floor. I was totally amazed at what I was seeing. There were all these people who knew every line dance that was called. Then a two-step was called. Men would walk over and ask a lady to dance. He would respectfully dance with her in a continuous circle around the dance floor. I watched in utter amazement that they all looked like they knew what they were doing and I was more impressed with how respectful the men were with the women. I knew I had found my calling. And I also knew that I would not find a single asshole who would try to feel me up on that dance floor. It seemed to be about the dancing here and that's exactly what I was looking for!
Single mother, personal trainer and now, attempted dancer. Life would become very, very fun and also very, very surreal..........
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