How long do you wait to have sex with someone?

My sister came over today for a visit. She's seeing someone new and seems really happy. During the course of her gushing over her new beau, she tells me that they haven't slept together yet. They're waiting until 90 days have passed from when they first started officially dating exclusively. Good for her! But it presented a question. How long do you wait after dating someone, should you sleep with them?

I'm not a complete moron, so I do realize it's all individual. But do we follow that rule of not sleeping with someone until 10 dates, 12 dates or 3 months? What happens if you really like the person and you have incredible chemistry, but you do the bed sheet mambo and it's not a good match?

I asked my sister this very question and I think she was a little offended. But there is a pattern (isn't there always?) with her, and I have a good feeling about this guy, so I didn't want her to jump ship 69 days from now, if he didn't live up to the hype.

I've listened to many men and women discuss their sex lives. I've heard more bad things than good things. I wonder, have we settled for less than we deserve or is it simply a matter of not asking for what we want? I'm pretty sure if you spent time getting to know someone, you'd be more comfortable and likely to speak up and gently tell your partner what feels good to you. But if you've moved too quickly, you may not feel all that nice about critiquing your partner or you may not speak up at all.

I waited one time and got frustrated after a year and a half (My Biggest Regret post) and eventually went with another guy. I also waited 10 dates with another guy and broke out in a hard sweat when he pulled out his specially made (for him) condom, which I mistakenly thought was a sock he was pulling out of his pocket! I felt really bad when I stopped taking his calls the next day because he really was a nice man, but I feared his penis and it's entry into my body a second time around!

Perhaps it's not the fit (ladies, I'm told it works both ways), but the rhythm one or both of you have that isn't working for either of you. If he's drilling for oil and that's not your thing, you gently ask him to slow down a bit. He tells you that he likes it that way, or completely ignores you all together because he's too happy he's getting anything after waiting "so long". Guys, maybe she sort of lays there, in the dark, not moving a muscle, leaving you to do all the work. Or maybe she's checking her watch, moaning and pretending she likes it. That would be a bad sign, by the way, in case you missed it. Just sayin'.

I have a girlfriend who shared with me that, in the past, she has yelled at the guy "You're not doing it right! Ahhh, forget it, get off me!" My reaction.....frozen, with my mouth open! I brought this up with my sister today and she said that she has done that before also. Wow! I was shocked the first time hearing it and I was shocked again today.

As parents we are meant to teach our children a lot about the world. But I have never heard of Sonny going to Pop for pumping advice. I mean, think about it. How would that conversation go? "Pop, could you go over the whole 'once you enter her phase again'? I must have missed it because she told me I wasn't doing it right and asked me to leave." Or "Hey Mum, I was wondering if you could teach me the fine balance of arching my back just so and bending my leg this way? He says I'm lying around like a dead fish, but I can't remember what you taught me?" Could you imagine having these conversations with your parents or better yet, your children? No thanks....

But we learn somehow, right? Either through feedback from a particular partner or from porn. It's true. Usually, men learn from watching porn, which isn't necessarily the best way to learn how to treat a women. And ladies, well, we have Cinderella and every other Hollywood love story to compare the guys to. No wonder we have such a hard time communicating!

Perhaps the question should be....

Are we mature enough to share our bodies with another person and be open to listening to what turns them on?

I believe that we often times treat our friends better than we do our partners. I believe that if you do want to have a long term relationship with another person, you should abstain from having sex with that person for at least a month, if not longer, until you get to know the person better. But if you do invest your time in the person and they fall a little short with your expectations between the sheets, then you owe them the respect of guiding them the way you would want to be guided. And if that isn't received by your partner and they still won't listen, then you have my permission to scream at the top of your lungs "YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT! GET OFF ME!!"

What is your opinion? How long should you wait to have sex?

Manscaping? A do or a don't?

Today, I'd like to start a debate. I really want to know what the public thinks about something of great importance to me. I could never understand why this whole thing got started, and I'm not sure how many women stand by me in my thinking because I've heard time and time again, that a woman initiated the whole thing. My question is, why on earth would you want your man to do this?

Manscaping.  You've all heard the term before and I'm going there today! The question to shave one's body is what I'm most interested in. If you choose to clip back your body hair, then so be it. More power to you! But why, oh why, must you shave your arms, legs, chest and underarm hair? It's one of the things that makes you a man. Are you taping into your feminine side? Someone, for the love of God, please explain this to me!

As a woman, do you really find this attractive? As a man, do you really want to spend your time shaving endlessly in the shower each day?

OK, if you're a professional bodybuilder, professional swimmer or professional cyclist, I can totally see it. That's your job and it can interfere with the results of your sport. No worries. Got it.

But if you're Joe Schmo without a sport to turn to, why must you do this to yourself? I know exactly how long it takes me to shower and shave my parts and I start calculating the time it would take a man to do this and I ponder.....do women really want to be with a guy that spends more time grooming than she does?

I dated a few guys who actually liked doing this voluntarily. I was aghast! One guy in particular was an off season bodybuilder. I noticed that he didn't have chest hair (that was on my list after all) so I asked him if he shaves or does he naturally have no chest hair (that can happen and it's totally acceptable because those guys don't normally shave everything else!)? He told me "I use Nair." Confused, I sat there for a minute thinking about him spreading Nair all over his body, standing there naked for 10 minutes before jumping in the shower. I asked him why in the world he would do that to himself and he said "It's a sanitary thing more than vanity. I don't want to smell." Huh? OK, fine, if that's all you got. I will counter with this....which is more important to me? A guy wanting to "feel fresh" and looking like a prepubescent boy or being what he is and looking like a man? Hmmmm?

I'm not saying that walking around like the wolfman cometh is the right answer either. If you have some back hair, shave it. If you have some unwanted ear hair, then go for it, pluck away. Or if there's a little too much on the backside and you find your girl braiding while in the moment, then maybe it's time to pull out those trusted clippers and go to town. But for the most part, we like you just the way you are, or a trimmed down version of the real thing.

Last summer, Billy went to have a stress test done. He came back home and told me all about it and then showed me the two, half dollar sized spots they shaved on his chest. It looked like the scene from The 40 Year Old Virgin when Steve gets waxed. I felt kind of bad that he'd have to let that grow in. He went to the bathroom and I heard the clippers going. I started pacing. Literally pacing! I peeked in to ask what he was doing. He said "I'm just cutting back some so that it blends in more." Relieved he wasn't going to get rid of it all, I settled down. Then he pops out and shows me his work. WHAT THE F*&%??? It reminded me of Doctor Evil's cat in the Austin Powers series. You know the cat is supposed to have hair and yet it doesn't! It just wasn't right and it was a long summer before his chest hair grew in again. And I'll admit, there was some road rash involved and it wasn't pretty!

Maybe it's an age thing? After a certain age, women want their guys to be guys. That includes having them look like a dude, hair and all. Maybe it's a twenties something phase where the guys are usually in better shape, just coming out of collegiate sports and their metabolisms haven't betrayed them yet and the girls think they look better all waxed up. But when I see a thirty something linebacker in the NFL without any armpit hair, I shudder! He's supposed to be rough and tough and yet, he shaves his pits? You've got to be kidding me?

Guys, are you doing it because you think that's what women want? Is it something you want to do because society is telling us this is what's sexy? Women, what is it about a stubbly man that you find attractive? Isn't that like cuddling up with a more masculine you? Or am I missing something all together? Where do you stand on this topic? Send me your comments.

Man Tips...What I really meant to say is....

I have to apologize. I'm holding back a little bit and have been encouraged to "release the Kraken" so to speak. So here is my revision of this blog from earlier today. I will add a disclaimer. This is going to be a bit explicit, so do not read further if you don't want to know any more on the subject of sex.

My male readers want to read something interesting. Usually, that would include sports, sex and women. Looks like you hit the jackpot, boys! I am a woman who loves both sports and sex!

Believe it or not, the sex subject is talked about frequently between women. Good sex, bad sex, "give him a stroke" sex, quickies, romantic getaways, sex after a long night, leaving you to do the "walk of shame" the next morning and the most talked about sex.....when the relationship works, but someone has a stronger libido and it causes conflict.

In the beginning, you guys have an advantage. You can look at the woman and know exactly what you're getting. Not us. We have no idea what is going on below the belt. It's true. Sometimes, that can be a good thing and sometimes that can be a really bad thing. It is something individual and personal and can vary between women. But one thing rings true, if you can tap into our head, you've won half the battle.

The other half of the battle is what going on behind that zipper. Does size really matter? Because we don't know what we're getting at first, it's like opening gift. You can be totally elated or completely disappointed. True story.

If you find yourself sandwiched between tree trunk guy and mushroom guy (more on that later), you're in good shape! We don't know what we're getting into, but if you can use that thing correctly, than you've got all the advantage in the world. So here are my tips for you:

Tip #1.....You are not a jack hammer and we are not a fence post!

The opening scene of Bridesmaids KILLED me! I was literally laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair in the theater. Billy was embarrassed I was laughing so hard. I tried to compose myself as the tears rolled down my eyes and my tummy ached. I have known that scene all too well. I have lived that scene more than a few times. As she tried telling him to slow down, he just kept pumping away, completely ignoring here request. That is SO true! We women try and tell you guys, but you don't want to listen to the feedback. We, of course, don't want to hurt your feelings, but it's the "motion of the ocean" that does it for us, not the "thumping pumping"!

You can have the best chemistry in the world, but you start doing the bed sheet mambo and you both may leave disappointed. Too bad none of us came with instructions. That would be the easiest way around all of it but unfortunately, we actually have to communicate to each other (that was sarcasm, in case you don't know me personally). Unless, you stumbled across the jackpot and found your perfect match, you've got to find the right rhythm.

I remember moving back from Hawaii years ago and lived with my mother for a little bit. Coincidentally, so did my brother and his wife. I stayed in the room directly below my mother's bed. Yeah, awkward. Her husband had one rhythm, which I kindly dubbed the "Jack Rabbit". He went from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat! I actually felt bad for her. I, of course, couldn't keep my mouth shut and teased them constantly, trying to improve her sex life. So guys, no woman likes to be pounded like a fence post. If you find yourself in that moment, remind yourself to think "motion of the ocean, motion of the ocean"!

Tip #2..... Seduction is key at any stage.
We cook your food, clean the skid marks out of your underwear, fold and iron your clothes, clean your dirty dishes and take care of the kids. The very least you can do is provide some romance and seduction. Looking over at your lover/partner/wife/girlfriend and whispering "wanna do it?" will just not do! That shows us you lack real motivation, desire and passion. All three of those things we desire, just like you.

My partner is not immune to that line. In fact, it's become his staple line lately. LOL! But back in the day of dating, we would dance. We'd stay pretty late and during that time, the DJ's would play a slower song and he would hold me close, dancing cheek to cheek, making me feel special and appreciated. It was a sexy prelude. Life can get in the way, but it is very important to make this area of your lives a priority. Women dig it and respond to it.

We like touching and being touched. We like kissing softly and slowly. Some guys get this and others, not so much. They're still on the fast and furious train. Oh, and I haven't met a woman yet that doesn't enjoy having her guy gently hold her face in his hands. We will melt like butter in your hands if you try this on us! Let me know how it works for you.

Tip #3.....Take your time, it's not a race! Or is it?
Sometimes a quickie is necessary. Let's face it. Either the time calls for it, there are kids beating down your door in the middle of the night, you have to be somewhere and you don't have time for all that seduction crap, so you call for a quickie. No worries!

My brother-in-law is known for his "3 minutes of sheer terror". He'll tell you "I'm too tired for all that stuff. If your sister wants some of this (as he makes the gesture circling his whole body), then she gets 3 minutes of sheer terror! Otherwise one of the kids is beating down the door, peeing in his sleep and I just don't have the energy for all that. I'll give it to her anytime she wants, but she only gets 3 minutes! But it's the best 3 minutes of her life!" Hey, if that works for you, more power to ya! But somehow the sound of jack hammering rings in my head and some sort of explosion and then I feel like my sister is somehow being cheated out of pleasure. But hey, it's their 3 minutes.....

Guys, don't fall into the rut of always being the quickie guy. You don't want to leave her thinking "That's it? What happened? I blinked and I missed it." If you have to give her 3 minutes of sheer terror, then make it up to her the next time. She'll appreciate it. And you'll have better sex because of it. Think about it. If you were being shorted before you were able to unload, how do you think she feels? She wants to be satisfied, just like you do. So make sure you throw her a bone every now and then....pun intended!

Creating the List

I was frustrated. I knew, if I had any hope at all with sharing my remote control with someone, someday, I had to figure out exactly what I wanted, needed and hoped for in a partner. I wondered why it was so hard to find a nice guy, that could treat me well and be all that I needed him to be to accommodate my life? Don't we all think that way at some point?

I created The List. On my list were things that I absolutely needed in a partner. His core values per say. I think there were 15 items on that part of the list. Then I broke it down further and added what I wanted in a partner. All the things that I really wanted from someone, so I didn't have to compromise all that much. I mean, hey, chemistry can only get you so far, right? There were more items during that portion of my list because I wanted to put it out there in the universe that I wanted certain things from a partner and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than those things. And pulling in the rear, I had all the little things that would be great for my partner to have.

I'm cracking myself up thinking about how I utilized that list! It was kind of crazy. I would keep it in my purse and when I was out on a date I would slip away into the bathroom and review the list. That way, I could interview the guy better if I reminded myself to stick to the list. There was no way I was going to veer too far to the left. This list would keep me in line even if I thought about stepping out of the box. You betcha!! I had my L-I-S-T!! Bring IT!!!

I had rules about the list. If the guy didn't meet my height requirement, he was out. If he didn't like sports, particularly football, he was out. If he was a Giants, Eagles or Redskin fan....OUT, OUT, OUT!! Oh, you don't have chest hair? OUT! Coors Light isn't your thing? OUT!!! I was a crazy person, wielding my list above my head.

My list brought me clarity and hope. I clung to it like a bible. Utilized it like a checklist. I finally came to my senses and realized that no guy could ever meet all the items on my list. That person doesn't exist. I realized in time that the person I was really working on was me. By clinging to my list, I identified something in me that needed some work. I was raising a standard for myself and opening up to things about myself that I wanted to reevaluate. In doing so, I was able to learn more about me and what I liked. I learned more about what I valued. I grounded and centered myself.

I learned that I am not always the easiest person to understand. That sometimes I need a timeout. I also figured out that although I was playing the victim by thinking that all men leave me, I was actually doing the pushing away. If it got too hard, I didn't work at it. I gave up. If I had to compromise too much, I lost interest. I know myself better now. Even though The List was created to find something that wasn't there, I think by healing and finding myself, I got pretty darn close to an 85% match this time around. So make your list. Find yourself. It's definitely worth the effort!

The List

I dated and danced. I finally believed in myself enough to date. Funny, I never thought I had confidence issues until I started looking around after being single for so long and realized that I was not opening myself up to meeting anyone. But there it was, staring me in the eye, daring me to invite the dating world in.

I did. I invited every knucklehead in a 5 miles radius into my little bubble! After experiencing, what I call the nightmare years, I started thinking about why it was so hard to find the right person. It was like I was trying to find something that was unique and interesting but I would encounter the scary and frightening!

I remember this one guy emailing me telling me that he recognized me from the bar and wondered if I was a "good" girl or "bad" girl. I asked why he was wondering that about me because I was just getting my feet wet in the dating world and couldn't possibly have a reputation on either side just yet. He told me it was due to the crowd I was hanging out with at the time and he thought I was a "bad" girl and he didn't date "bad" girls. I really should have listened to my inner gut telling me to run for the hills, but I thought maybe there was more to this guy than he was showing me.

When he asked me on a predate before officially asking me on a real date, I agreed. I didn't think it was that uncommon for people to meet for coffee or whatever to get a pulse for the other person. That doesn't seem that strange, right? WRONG!! He was rude and demanding to the waitress. He was challenging with me when we spoke of football. Even saying that he normally doesn't date anyone who is a Cowboy's fan because he can't stand the Cowboy's. I figured anyone can have a bad day and maybe I was being too judgmental, so I agreed to meet him for the date.

We met at the restaurant, which was a very upscale restaurant and he showed up in his cowboy get up complete with a hat, which he did not take off for dinner. He was in much better spirits this time around, but when it was over and we were waiting for the valet to bring the cars around, I couldn't help notice that he brought his dog with him, which he kept in the car the entire time! WTH?? He tried planting a wet one on me but I backed away saying "I don't kiss on the first date. Sorry. "

I met him one more time (which I can't even believe I did! I'm an idiot sometimes!) and this time it was for coffee, since I was in the area anyway. When we got into the cafe' part of the bookstore, he notices a dead bird outside of the door. Instead of getting up to alert the barrista, he SHOUTS at the top of his lungs...."Hey! ..... Hey! There's a dead bird outside of the doorway!!! You MIGHT want to pick it up!!!!" I was embarrassed and appalled and that's when it all came to an end. Well, not quite.

A week later, he calls me to tell me that it just wouldn't work out between us because he's been thinking about the fact that I have kids from a previous relationship. That just won't do for him. I, of course, could have cared less at this point and let him off the hook. There was no point in continuing the conversation. But I do have to see him at the bar because that's the place I like to dance. A few days later, he walks in with his new roommate, whom he introduces me to. He asks me if he can talk to me privately.

Sometimes, I am just too darn nice for my own good. I walk with him to the opposite side of the bar. He pulls me a little closer and wants to propose an idea he's been thinking about. He doesn't think we would work out as a couple (you got that right, buddy!) but would like to know if we could be casual lovers and sleep with each other on occasion. Crickets.....me staring in utter amazement at him. I finally ask, "Do I have whore written across my forehead?" and I walk away. He has since been dubbed "The Asshole". It was that event that got me thinking.....I need a list! A very long list!!

Why buy the cow, when she's giving the milk away for free?

Sex. It can consume you. It can trick you into thinking you have feelings about someone that you really don't. You can have incredibly strong feelings for someone and then the moment you have sex, you start back pedaling, wondering what you've gotten yourself into. You can have 3 minute sex, 3 hour sex (thanks to that little blue pill) and sex 3 times a day. You can love someone so completely and you have sex and the birds are singing, there's a break in the clouds and a bright light beams down on you, enveloping you in it's warmth! There are so many variations, but one thing will always remain the same. If you give it away too easily, you're a whore. If you charge for this delightful service, you're a whore.

It's not that you are truly a whore. But I've "interviewed" enough men to understand this to mean that they want to "hunt for their food" (in caveman speak). They want to work for it. I've always heard the term "Why buy the cow, when she's giving the milk away for free?" and never knew what the hell that meant? I realize it wasn't literally giving away a cow for free, but I never understood it. I mean, really, do we charge for the cow? If we do, we're a whore. If we charge for the milk, we're still a whore. All I heard was whore, whore, whore!! I started wondering if there was a discount cow, or a layaway cow. And suddenly, I was so darn confused about the milk and the cow!

But I get it now. There are "good" girls and there are "bad" girls and then there's a category of girls that no one really talks about. We'll label them the "high libido" girls. Because they aren't "bad" girls per say, but they have a need and desire that does not match an average woman's libido, let alone and average man's libido. Typically they are "good" girls, but the kitty leads the path to most decision making. And this can be very, very "bad"! Bad Kitty!!

Here's what I learned during my "interviews":

Men will take it when they can get it - duh! But they go C-R-A-Z-Y, when they are interested in a girl, who keeps the cookies in the jar! I observed this first hand on many occasions. I'd see the girl who gave it away, either because she was truly interested in the guy or because kitty got in the way, always fall to the girl who made the guy work for it (ie. games, games, games). I'm not saying that playing games for the sake of playing games, is the right thing to do, because I would never agree to that. But I am saying if you create a little mystery around you (don't put everything out there all at once - let it unfold over time so he's learning something new about you over said time) and you leave him wanting more, then that is absolutely the thing that drives him C-R-A-Z-Y!!

Men like to chase. It's in their blood. It can be a great deal of fun!! Gosh, even if you're in a relationship now, you can create a little chase to strike his interest again. Get the old juices flowing. Wait! By old, I simply mean, "same"or "familiar", not old, old. OK, moving on...

Men don't want to be used. And they say they don't like games. But a little game can be a good thing if played without using the guy or stringing him along for your own personal gain. If you truly are interested in him, then make eye contact and see if he's interested. He'll let you know if he is. DO NOT pursue him. Let him come to you. If you start mowing him down, like I did with most of my dance partners, you'll make plenty of friends, and you may even have plenty of sex, but you won't find "that" guy you've been looking for.

You have to engage and then disengage. You can make eye contact a few times and then create an opportunity for him to approach you. After a little while, disengage from that conversation and invite him to reengage later (ie. "I enjoyed talking to you. I've got to get back to my friends for a little bit, but maybe we can dance later?). Perhaps I took it too far, but I never gave out my number at first either. On the rare occasion I met someone interesting, I would invite them back by saying "I don't give my number out to guys I just met, but I'm usually here on Thursday and Saturday nights." if they show back up, great. If not, then I didn't have some idiot walking around with my number in his phone.

Dancing taught me a great deal. I was learning how to trust others in the dance, which spilled into my personal life. I was learning to be more social outside of work. I was also finding myself along the way and discovering that I had so many things I didn't understand or know about me. One of the things I saw more clearly than ever.... I had a lot of bad sex in my lifetime and it was about time I changed that!