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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Man Tips...What I really meant to say is....

I have to apologize. I'm holding back a little bit and have been encouraged to "release the Kraken" so to speak. So here is my revision of this blog from earlier today. I will add a disclaimer. This is going to be a bit explicit, so do not read further if you don't want to know any more on the subject of sex.

My male readers want to read something interesting. Usually, that would include sports, sex and women. Looks like you hit the jackpot, boys! I am a woman who loves both sports and sex!

Believe it or not, the sex subject is talked about frequently between women. Good sex, bad sex, "give him a stroke" sex, quickies, romantic getaways, sex after a long night, leaving you to do the "walk of shame" the next morning and the most talked about sex.....when the relationship works, but someone has a stronger libido and it causes conflict.

In the beginning, you guys have an advantage. You can look at the woman and know exactly what you're getting. Not us. We have no idea what is going on below the belt. It's true. Sometimes, that can be a good thing and sometimes that can be a really bad thing. It is something individual and personal and can vary between women. But one thing rings true, if you can tap into our head, you've won half the battle.

The other half of the battle is what going on behind that zipper. Does size really matter? Because we don't know what we're getting at first, it's like opening gift. You can be totally elated or completely disappointed. True story.

If you find yourself sandwiched between tree trunk guy and mushroom guy (more on that later), you're in good shape! We don't know what we're getting into, but if you can use that thing correctly, than you've got all the advantage in the world. So here are my tips for you:

Tip #1.....You are not a jack hammer and we are not a fence post!

The opening scene of Bridesmaids KILLED me! I was literally laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair in the theater. Billy was embarrassed I was laughing so hard. I tried to compose myself as the tears rolled down my eyes and my tummy ached. I have known that scene all too well. I have lived that scene more than a few times. As she tried telling him to slow down, he just kept pumping away, completely ignoring here request. That is SO true! We women try and tell you guys, but you don't want to listen to the feedback. We, of course, don't want to hurt your feelings, but it's the "motion of the ocean" that does it for us, not the "thumping pumping"!

You can have the best chemistry in the world, but you start doing the bed sheet mambo and you both may leave disappointed. Too bad none of us came with instructions. That would be the easiest way around all of it but unfortunately, we actually have to communicate to each other (that was sarcasm, in case you don't know me personally). Unless, you stumbled across the jackpot and found your perfect match, you've got to find the right rhythm.

I remember moving back from Hawaii years ago and lived with my mother for a little bit. Coincidentally, so did my brother and his wife. I stayed in the room directly below my mother's bed. Yeah, awkward. Her husband had one rhythm, which I kindly dubbed the "Jack Rabbit". He went from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat! I actually felt bad for her. I, of course, couldn't keep my mouth shut and teased them constantly, trying to improve her sex life. So guys, no woman likes to be pounded like a fence post. If you find yourself in that moment, remind yourself to think "motion of the ocean, motion of the ocean"!

Tip #2..... Seduction is key at any stage.
We cook your food, clean the skid marks out of your underwear, fold and iron your clothes, clean your dirty dishes and take care of the kids. The very least you can do is provide some romance and seduction. Looking over at your lover/partner/wife/girlfriend and whispering "wanna do it?" will just not do! That shows us you lack real motivation, desire and passion. All three of those things we desire, just like you.

My partner is not immune to that line. In fact, it's become his staple line lately. LOL! But back in the day of dating, we would dance. We'd stay pretty late and during that time, the DJ's would play a slower song and he would hold me close, dancing cheek to cheek, making me feel special and appreciated. It was a sexy prelude. Life can get in the way, but it is very important to make this area of your lives a priority. Women dig it and respond to it.

We like touching and being touched. We like kissing softly and slowly. Some guys get this and others, not so much. They're still on the fast and furious train. Oh, and I haven't met a woman yet that doesn't enjoy having her guy gently hold her face in his hands. We will melt like butter in your hands if you try this on us! Let me know how it works for you.

Tip #3.....Take your time, it's not a race! Or is it?
Sometimes a quickie is necessary. Let's face it. Either the time calls for it, there are kids beating down your door in the middle of the night, you have to be somewhere and you don't have time for all that seduction crap, so you call for a quickie. No worries!

My brother-in-law is known for his "3 minutes of sheer terror". He'll tell you "I'm too tired for all that stuff. If your sister wants some of this (as he makes the gesture circling his whole body), then she gets 3 minutes of sheer terror! Otherwise one of the kids is beating down the door, peeing in his sleep and I just don't have the energy for all that. I'll give it to her anytime she wants, but she only gets 3 minutes! But it's the best 3 minutes of her life!" Hey, if that works for you, more power to ya! But somehow the sound of jack hammering rings in my head and some sort of explosion and then I feel like my sister is somehow being cheated out of pleasure. But hey, it's their 3 minutes.....

Guys, don't fall into the rut of always being the quickie guy. You don't want to leave her thinking "That's it? What happened? I blinked and I missed it." If you have to give her 3 minutes of sheer terror, then make it up to her the next time. She'll appreciate it. And you'll have better sex because of it. Think about it. If you were being shorted before you were able to unload, how do you think she feels? She wants to be satisfied, just like you do. So make sure you throw her a bone every now and then....pun intended!


  1. Role playing!
    Just like from the opening scene of 4 Christmases! Pretend you are at a party and have no earthly idea who the other person is and act really seductive to each other. Possibility of working?

    1. Is the question for me or for you? Role playing is an excellent idea, for those who are into it! Great suggestion ezrugby!