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Thursday, March 1, 2012

My Biggest Regret.....

I've been getting a little off track. So today, I'm going to talk about my biggest regret. I don't have many. Maybe 3. This was a whopper. And it was a major turning point and set me toward the path I'm on now.

I bring it up because there's always stuff that floats around in my head and after writing all that sex crap, I realize that it's important to share this with you so you understand why I even posted that stuff.

About a year ago I came to the realization that I let the kitty do some major decision making for me. Pretty much all the relationships I've ever been in up until the last two, have been centered around sex, whether it was good, bad, unbelievable or non existent. It just wasn't apparent or conscious to me, until now.

My 6 year relationship ended and I was working at the gym in Hawaii. I met a guy named Scott (which is interesting because the guy that I just ended the relationship with is named Scott also). We spent hours talking and getting to know each other and we started a beautiful friendship. Time passed and he was careful with me. I'm pretty sure he didn't want to be the rebound guy, although that never came up in the numerous conversations we had. We admitted our attraction for each other but did nothing more than kiss on a few occasions.

A year goes by and still nothing more than the talk of a potential future. He was closing in on 40 and I was ten years younger. I think I needed to feel something more than what I was getting from him but being with him was so much fun and we became the best of friends not allowing sex to come between us. Building a foundation, is what he called it. 911 happened and he made a decision to live on the Big Island to finish building a home for his Mom to retire to. I knew I'd barely see him and made the decision to move back to California. I had to provide for my children and that's where I needed to go to do that.

When I left, we both felt sad but promised to visit each other. We would talk on the phone for hours after work and he would send me these huge packages in the mail. Cd's he burned for hours with handwritten play lists, things you can only get in Hawaii, little snacks he knew I loved, that sort of thing. I'd send video to him and write letters. It was a great way to communicate. We even agreed that we would go to his son's wedding in New York that summer. It was a great plan!

I met Chris at work. He was a shy guy, but I busted through that exterior shell like it was nothing. We spent time together and he was the human contact I needed at the time. But the friendship was nowhere close to what I had with Scott. However, there was chemistry and that kind of took over. I decided in order to make my decision, I would go back to Hawaii and spend time with Scott and see if there was going to be anything more to our relationship other than friendship. We spent 10 wonderful days together, but nothing happened. And it wasn't for lack of trying and effort on my part. He just felt that he wanted to keep it the way it was and not have a relationship based on sex alone. He wanted more. So did I, but I didn't understand. I didn't know what his intentions were.

Nothing happened. Zip, nada! No kissing, no nothing. I couldn't believe it! Impossible. The day he took me to the airport, he kissed me goodbye. It was a long, tender kiss, and I sure felt what he felt for me in that kiss. But I wasn't convinced he wanted more from me. I was young, dumb and inexperienced. I went back home thinking I was doing the right thing by choosing Chris, who was there for me. He was present and available. Surely he couldn't resist me, could he?

Scott called me and we talked. He regretted that nothing happened between us. He intuited that he made a mistake by not making a move. I confessed that I was getting involved with Chris. He decided that he would also clear his head and see someone without strings. He suggested that I try and make another trip out there. At the time, I was falling for Chris and lied about not being able to go see him. He knew I was lying. He was pissed!

The last time I spoke with him, he was so disappointed that I lied to him. He confessed that he was thinking ahead and wanting to preserve our relationship because he wanted to make absolute sure I was the one for him. He admitted he made a mistake by not giving me the connection I craved from him. He told me that he was planning, for an entire year, to ask me to marry him at his son's wedding. He had the ring and everything.

I was convinced at the time I was making the right decision, but I kind of felt rejected time and time again. I thought I was moving on because he had no intention of being with me romantically. I was wrong! And I was wrong about Chris too. Although I wish nothing but the best for both of those guys, I will always regret that decision. Clearer heads prevail, I have heard. But at the time, my libido was kicking into overdrive and caused me to make a critical error. Being where I am now, I'm glad it opened a pathway to my life now. But I regret hurting someone I cared for so deeply because I was thinking with the other head. Yes, guys, it can happen to females too!

I've learned that I have made bad decisions based on sex. I've learned that real relationships require a ton of work and when all is said and done, you simply have to be able to share much more of yourself with someone else. That requires you to be vulnerable and open and that's a very scary place to be. To truly be intimate with another person, you have to express your fears without judgement. I'm a work in progress, but dammit, I am learning something along this path!

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