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Sunday, March 11, 2012

Confession...I lost my mind!

I turned 40 last month. Prior to turning 40, I was having anxiety about it for over a year. In fact, the night before I turned the BIG 4-0, I was curled up in the fetal position, in the corner trying to figure out how fast the last 20 years had gone by. I was not looking forward to it at all! That bitch was knocking at my door and I was not going to answer. Not for her and certainly not for anyone else!

We planned to go to Vegas to celebrate. Billy was making it a big deal and was excited. I wanted to go hide in the closet and drink a gallon of wine and cry myself to sleep. Getting over that hump was difficult. It's easier now, but at the time, it was THE most difficult thing that I could experience...until today.

Today, I lost my mind. Actually, the truth is, I lost it yesterday and today was an extension. I have 3 children and I've had each one of them a decade apart, more or less. At 19, when I had my first, I was young and dumb but thought I knew everything. Not unlike my children now. Insert sarcastic grin here. I also worked when she was a baby. My husband and I worked opposite shifts. He worked during the day and I worked at night. If there was an overlap, my sisters watched her for a few hours. There was always a relief button in the form of a job to escape to.

I had my second daughter when I was 26 and again, I worked. I started my career as a personal trainer not long after having her. As I built up my clientele, she would be with a sitter for half a day or a few hours and my husband and I would switch care both in the early morning and at night. I was more patient but still had a lot to learn.  And also had an escape to turn to.

My third daughter was born 9 months ago. They say you get more patient and understanding as you age. Granted, the understanding part is true, but I laugh at the patient part! Holy mother....the whining! There is one noise that can grate on my nerves faster than nails on a chalkboard and it's a child that is whining. I'm not sure if this is a test or not, but if it is, I failed over the weekend!

The baby is teething and any parent who has gone through the teething stage knows exactly how this goes down. Your little bundle of joy turns into a clingy, whinny, unhappy, devil child that wants to suck the life right out of you so they can feel better! After 4 hours yesterday of non stop crying and whining, Billy comes back from playing basketball. I did some serious self-talking before he came back, channeling my inner Pollyanna, so that I could "request" the same amount of time for myself in the afternoon. Here's a sample of that pep talk:

"When Billy comes through the door, just breath and nicely ask him to care for the kids while you take some much needed time to work quietly at the computer. Surely he will appreciate that request and provide you with the much needed time to work uninterrupted."

Then my inner Diva took over. She's a pushy broad and burst through my thoughts, over powering my inner Pollyanna. Here's a sample of her pep talk:

"Listen bitch, who the f*&$ takes 4 hours to play some basketball while you're up here nesting the coop? You best check his ass when he comes through that door and get you some time to yourself before you become a lush!"

As I wrestled with the inner Diva and just manhandled the inner Pollyanna, it came out something like this:

Billy: "Do you want to take some time for yourself?" (It was actually good that he noticed the Medusa-like tentacles coming out of my head and the the smoke venting from my nostrils - the man is observant, if anything!)

Me: "Ya think? Yes, I'm going to take 4 hours just like you did, ok?"

Billy: "What's wrong with you?" (OK, maybe not so observant after all)

Me: "Pumpkie has been crying non stop since you walked out the door and I can't take it anymore. I know you don't understand why the whining bothers me so much but it's the worse sound in the world to me and it's been going on for 4 hours!" (Hows that for clear, concise communication?)

Billy: "Well, go take some time."

Me: "I was thinking you could take the little darlings out of here so I can get some work done." (No laptop for me - that requires money and until there are more ad clicks on my page, I cannot get one, unless I start working the pole!)

Billy: "I'm not going anywhere. I just played ball for 4 hours. I'm too tired. I'll take them in the room." (Not helpful, dude, not helpful - I need peace and quiet so I can think)

Me: "Fine, I'll go then."

I know, not very classy at all. As I ran, not walked to the car, I sped off in a fury. I just needed to escape. I'm pretty sure you all have felt that way at one time or another. I got 1/2 mile down the road and parked. Cleared my head and that's when it hit me.

Son of a bitch!! I forgot about the load of laundry that had finished drying and I had to go back to get it out. I did the walk of shame back up to the house with laundry basket in hand. Not unlike the sitcoms or movies when someone says something to get the last word, slams the door and then walks back in because they forgot their keys. Yeah....Except this wasn't funny to me.

Billy actually watched the kids while I did my taxes. After hour 3, Pumpkie was still fussy, so I turned to him and asked, "how's that crying working out for you?" Insert evil grin....

I'm highly motivated and want to accomplish a lot. It takes time to do that. I suppose that my frustration lies in not being able to get the necessary work done that I need to get done in a day. And I also wrestle with working for myself, being a Mom, partner and blogger. I have goals just like everyone else. Life gets in the way sometimes. I forget that I have to ride the wave, make an effort, and roll with the punches. Each person in my family deserves a piece of me. However, I know the importance of taking care of me in order to take care of them. So, I don't feel bad at all that I have a hidden stash of wine!! That's taking care of me, right? #iamnotalushreally


  1. Stay tune as I wipe the spit/water(that came from my mouth as I laughed outloud) from the screen. Good gosh..I thought I was the only one that felt that way. Good to know that I'm not and that I'm normal!

  2. Thank you so much for commenting! I not only feel like I'm not talking to myself, which is a daily occurance around here, but I feel great that someone else can relate to my life!