Follow by Email

Monday, June 25, 2012

When do you "let go"?

I'm a work in progress. There's a constant battle going on inside of myself. Maybe you're going through it as well. I have a hard time identifying when to hold on to something, and when to let it go.

I was reminded of this "problem" this past week, when I went out dancing. I had every intention of unwinding, having a good time, and getting some much needed girlfriend time. About an hour into the evening, the ex-girlfriend of my friend showed up. If you follow my blog, then you know whom I refer. She's the one who called me on my 40th birthday to tell me I could no longer be friends with "her" boyfriend. There are some people that can really push my buttons.

My 18-year-old-self reared her ugly head, and wanted to confront the "troll". I recognized that I was still lit up about the situation. I felt like mouthing "F*&% You" when she looked my way. I wanted to brawl. To feel justice somehow, for being accused of things that really didn't exist, only in her head. I wanted to intimidate her. Instead, my 40-year-old-self took over. This is the conversation that went on inside of myself:

18-year-old-self: "I want to punch her in the face!"
40-year-old-self: "If you do that, then you'll go to jail. Is that what you want for yourself and for your family?"
18-year-old-self: "Damn, you're right. Okay, what if I dump a glass of red wine on her head?"
40-year-old-self: "If you do that, then you'll get kicked out of the bar, and you won't be allowed back in for a long time."
18-year-old-self: "Grrr! Right again! What if I just mouth "F*&! You, so she knows I'm still pissed about how she treated me?"
40-year-old-self: "Really?? Come on, you shouldn't let this bother you. You're an adult now. You think it's fun for her to see you, and know that you know her relationship failed? Have some compassion for goodness sake!"
18-year-old-self: "Let it go?"
40-year-old-self: "Let it go."

Letting go of stuff is hard for me. I'm a fighter. I want to resolve issues, complete the "puzzle" and find peace. It does me absolutely no good to try and hold onto things that I simply cannot change. I have to release it, and know that what I allow into my space, needs to be good for me, positive and worth the fight. Sometimes though, in the case of my mother, I simply cannot break through. That's when letting go, is self preservation.

Is letting go, forgiveness? Perhaps. I view it as accepting the circumstance, moving forward with my life, and I suppose, having compassion for the other person. I don't want to carry the burden, or the weight of the situation anymore.

After dancing for a few hours that night, I didn't do anything. I walked away. When I finished dancing, I hugged my friends goodbye, walked out the door, and headed home to my family, leaving the situation behind me. I thought to myself, "Life will be her teacher, it's not my job to be."

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing Cindy....I completely understand what you're talking about...I'm a fighter too....It is really hard for me to let go of things/people that have hurt not only me, but my family as well. Life is definitely about choices, and unfortunately, we will not always agree with the choices other people make. I love your quote about life being a teacher.....so true....I have learned that we can only control our own actions. I too do not want to carry the burden anymore....so glad to hear I'm not the only one experiencing this type of situation:) xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Exactly! Letting go is just acknowledging that the situation is out of your hands and you are refusing to suffer on a daily basis. Doesn't mean you won't still mourn, but letting go just means that you've stopped expecting that the past could have been any different. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you ladies! It's nice to know I am not alone in my struggles, but also that I'm not just talking to myself out here, in cyberspace. Letting go might just free up more space in my head, and life to open myself up to better opportunity. Thanks again you two!!

    ReplyDelete