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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

How long do you wait to have sex with someone?

My sister came over today for a visit. She's seeing someone new and seems really happy. During the course of her gushing over her new beau, she tells me that they haven't slept together yet. They're waiting until 90 days have passed from when they first started officially dating exclusively. Good for her! But it presented a question. How long do you wait after dating someone, should you sleep with them?

I'm not a complete moron, so I do realize it's all individual. But do we follow that rule of not sleeping with someone until 10 dates, 12 dates or 3 months? What happens if you really like the person and you have incredible chemistry, but you do the bed sheet mambo and it's not a good match?

I asked my sister this very question and I think she was a little offended. But there is a pattern (isn't there always?) with her, and I have a good feeling about this guy, so I didn't want her to jump ship 69 days from now, if he didn't live up to the hype.

I've listened to many men and women discuss their sex lives. I've heard more bad things than good things. I wonder, have we settled for less than we deserve or is it simply a matter of not asking for what we want? I'm pretty sure if you spent time getting to know someone, you'd be more comfortable and likely to speak up and gently tell your partner what feels good to you. But if you've moved too quickly, you may not feel all that nice about critiquing your partner or you may not speak up at all.

I waited one time and got frustrated after a year and a half (My Biggest Regret post) and eventually went with another guy. I also waited 10 dates with another guy and broke out in a hard sweat when he pulled out his specially made (for him) condom, which I mistakenly thought was a sock he was pulling out of his pocket! I felt really bad when I stopped taking his calls the next day because he really was a nice man, but I feared his penis and it's entry into my body a second time around!

Perhaps it's not the fit (ladies, I'm told it works both ways), but the rhythm one or both of you have that isn't working for either of you. If he's drilling for oil and that's not your thing, you gently ask him to slow down a bit. He tells you that he likes it that way, or completely ignores you all together because he's too happy he's getting anything after waiting "so long". Guys, maybe she sort of lays there, in the dark, not moving a muscle, leaving you to do all the work. Or maybe she's checking her watch, moaning and pretending she likes it. That would be a bad sign, by the way, in case you missed it. Just sayin'.

I have a girlfriend who shared with me that, in the past, she has yelled at the guy "You're not doing it right! Ahhh, forget it, get off me!" My reaction.....frozen, with my mouth open! I brought this up with my sister today and she said that she has done that before also. Wow! I was shocked the first time hearing it and I was shocked again today.

As parents we are meant to teach our children a lot about the world. But I have never heard of Sonny going to Pop for pumping advice. I mean, think about it. How would that conversation go? "Pop, could you go over the whole 'once you enter her phase again'? I must have missed it because she told me I wasn't doing it right and asked me to leave." Or "Hey Mum, I was wondering if you could teach me the fine balance of arching my back just so and bending my leg this way? He says I'm lying around like a dead fish, but I can't remember what you taught me?" Could you imagine having these conversations with your parents or better yet, your children? No thanks....

But we learn somehow, right? Either through feedback from a particular partner or from porn. It's true. Usually, men learn from watching porn, which isn't necessarily the best way to learn how to treat a women. And ladies, well, we have Cinderella and every other Hollywood love story to compare the guys to. No wonder we have such a hard time communicating!

Perhaps the question should be....

Are we mature enough to share our bodies with another person and be open to listening to what turns them on?

I believe that we often times treat our friends better than we do our partners. I believe that if you do want to have a long term relationship with another person, you should abstain from having sex with that person for at least a month, if not longer, until you get to know the person better. But if you do invest your time in the person and they fall a little short with your expectations between the sheets, then you owe them the respect of guiding them the way you would want to be guided. And if that isn't received by your partner and they still won't listen, then you have my permission to scream at the top of your lungs "YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT! GET OFF ME!!"

What is your opinion? How long should you wait to have sex?


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