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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Judgy McJudgerson!

Is it just me, or does it seem like everyone is getting married, having a baby or both?

It seems, whenever I log into my facebook account, there is a new announcement waiting for me to view.

"Save the date!"
"We're getting hitched!"
"Look at our little nugget" (peanut, or whatever cute little nickname, one calls their 12 week old fetus)!
Pictures of the round, bulging belly with the finger heart over the belly button. Cute!

I was not immune to those updates this past year. I'll admit, there was nothing more important than showing off my growing belly, the birth of my third daughter, or all of her milestones since her birth.
I wanted to share my happiness with the world, including all the moments I am proud of.

Then, reality sets in, and we stop posting those "lovey dovey" updates, and start posting random crap that nobody really cares about. Why is that, you ask? Because we don't want to post what really happens in our homes! That would not be fair to our spouse, children or friends. If we did, here is an example of what those posts would look like:

"Damn it! Someone, I won't mention names, drank the last bit of milk, and now I must eat the fling flangin' cereal, dry, this morning! For the love of Pete, ask what the plan is before eating or drinking the last bit of something, you, who shall remain nameless!"

"Why does she always have a headache when I want to have sex? What is that all about, anyway?"

"I'm just sitting here, watching the baby empty the shoes out of the basket and eat the dirt clods because he isn't screaming like a banshee!"

"What in God's name did this kid eat? She has shit 5 times in the last 30 minutes and I'm on my last diaper!"

"Headache again, huh? Fine. Go to bed. When you hear the desk chair rockin', don't come knockin'!"

"Seriously, does he know that there is a handle on the toilet? Would it kill him to wait to make sure all of his business has flushed before leaving the bathroom? I do not want to see little nuggets floating in the bowl when I go in to use it. I guess it's going to be a headache kind of night, again!"

Those, my friends, are the tidbits they don't tell you about. There are more, too. The things we think but don't actually say, such as:

"Are you f&$@ing kidding me? Just eat your cereal and stop complaining about it!"

"Where is that f*&@ing off button? Surely, this kid came with one? Serenity now!!"

"I just want to watch my tv show in peace and quiet. Is that to much to ask, or do you need to shit all over this moment too?"

The truth, that all of us who have "been there, done that" know, is that eventually, the fairy tale ends and real life begins. Real life isn't about picture perfect. It's about finding your balance in the trenches of life, love, relationships and family.

Go ahead and update your status with whatever you'd like. I'll pretend that life is grand and everything is great, if you are. I won't even bother to comment on how great it is that you are unbelievably happy. I'll just hit the "like" button, and you'll know that I am acknowledging your real pain. Because at the end of the day, you and I are in the trenches and we both know it!!

Wouldn't it be great if we could say all the things we really wanted to say without judgement? That "J" word keeps us in line. It prevents us from really saying what we feel. That's the cyber tragedy of it all. If we could say all the things we wanted to say, maybe it would look something like this:

"Hey everyone! We're getting married because he knocked me up and I am not going to be an unwed mother. So will you come and support us during this difficult time? I'm trying hard to adjust to all the change going on in my life, and I really need your help!"

"Hey y'all! We're getting married! Yahoo! Finally this f$%@er has figured it out and proposed to me. It only took him 8 years to do it, but really, who's counting? Come celebrate with us!"

"Yay, we're adding another member to our family! We're pretty excited about it. Well, actually he's excited about it because he honesty has no idea what is involved in making, and raising another human being. The first time around, he was pretty tuned out, so it all fell on my shoulders. I'm guessing this time it won't be that different, except I'll have another person screaming at me."

But Judgy McJudgerson would NOT find this refreshing. In fact, she might call CPS. So we stay silent, and talk about bagels or something like that.

Ahhhh, I long for the day, when I log into Facebook and see something so honest and real. I will even let you know how much I appreciate you taking the time to tell us how it really is, by leaving a lovely comment. Until then, I will join you in my silence and bagel talking, because I wouldn't want Judgy McJudgerson coming after me!

P.S. I'm at Barnes and Noble hiding from my family. They really should serve wine or something. Sheesh!

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